akd545
NormWhat REALLY happened at the Normanby Hotel:
November 24th 2008 22:52
The "Victim"
"Look, I was there having a few beers for a bucks night. All of a sudden, Symonds bowls into the pub, clearly pissed, shouting "I'm the king of the world!!!", a reference to the movie Titanic, I presumed. I tentatively approached the group, clutching a mini-bat, hoping to get the signature of the slashing all-rounder for my young kid. Suddenly, Symonds snapped, as if a switch inside his head had been activated, and he began swinging indiscriminately at my face. Taken aback, I reacted in the only way I knew how, by attacking him. Ironically, I drew inspiration from Symonds himself, who has often been quoted as saying that 'the best form of defence is attack'. Somehow I was kicked out of the bar, after I complained to the bar manager that Symonds was acting in an ungentlemanly fashion. Exhausted from the ordeal, I went in search of a lamb kebab, hoping to drown my sorrows in a saucy, savoury treat."
The "Assailant"
"Mate, it's a non-issue. Look, I was having a few quiet beers with some of the Kangaroo boys. From out of nowhere, some pissed bloke comes and gets up in my face, shrieking like a mad-man, "Yo, Adrian" - an inadvertent reference to the film Rocky - in his attempt to call out my name. After making his way over to my table, he immediately (and quite rudely) thrust a banana peel in my face. I attempted to calm the man, offering my prize signature (for his kid) on his wife's tits, as is the common protocol in these situations. Incredibly, the bloke snapped, and all of a sudden I was the bad guy. Startled, I drew inspiration from Geoff Boycott's strokeplay: staying calm, attempting to negate the escalating situation by avoiding any contact. I politely asked the bar manager to remove the man, who by this stage was causing a tremendous scene. The patron was removed from the premises, allowing me to continue my lemon lime and bitters in peace.
The "Bar Manager"
"Look, this is a non-issue. Andrew Symonds was smashing thirty beers with a bunch of rowdy mates, when he was approached by a similarly enebriated patron who wanted a photo of the test star. I made a clever reference to the movie Casablanca, saying to those around me,"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine". Both blokes were off their face, but this is Queensland, mate. A sportsman should be allowed to go out and get drunk as a (Wendell) sailor whenever they want, completely in the public gaze. It is our duty, as bar attendants, to dispense alcohol and provide a good time for our special patrons. Realising that the situation was getting rather heated, I took inspiration from Mark Taylor's captaincy, initating a group consultation with the aim of finding a fair and equitable outcome. This came in the form of a free round of banana schnapps for all parties. Andrew initially took offence to this gesture, interpreting it as a sly reference to the well documented "monkey" taunts he allegedly received from Harbajan Singh. Eventually I had to ask patron X to leave, to which he happily obliged. No one was hurt, everyone had a thousand laughs, it was classic Queensland bar culture at its best!"
The "Journalist"
"Disgraced all-rounder Andrew Symonds has found the headlines yet again, this time after a rowdy and drunken evening at notorious late-night haunt, The Normanby Hotel.
Symonds was indulging in a late-night booze-up with a group of footballers when he initiated a pub fight that led to the ejection of a Brisbane man from the Red Hill establishment.
The man in question, a 30-year old father of three, vowed that he would be taking the matter further, describing the test cricketer's actions as abhorrent. This comes on the back of several late-night incidents involving the all-rounder, who, according to an unnamed source, is said to be battling an alcohol-related condition."
It has been a fall from grace for the troubled cricketer, who now faces a huge challenge to retain his Cricket Australia contract."
Source: Daily Telegraph
-SportingMind
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
The Masseur
"Andrew, or Roy, came in to see me late one evening with all these strange bruises all over his knuckles. It was like he'd been in a fight, or something. I gave him a quick rub and then he was on his way. I was about to make a note of his suspicous injuries when I noticed his peculiar gait. He was literally dragging his knuckles on the floor. His injuries were consistent with such a method of getting from A to B in a pedestrian fashion. We're working together to get him to walk around waving his arms in the air to prevent further injuries to himself."
Comment by David Edwards
"Roy's knuckle dragging has been a constant battle for all ground staff here at the Gabba. Umpires have warned Roy about dragging his knuckles on his follow-through, but he has failed to comply with our requests.
When he isn't roughing up the pitch with his knuckles, he will alternatively place a banana skin on a length, allowing the ball to zip through on the unsuspecting batsman."
Symonds was last seen late Saturday night in the city, waving his arms wildly around in the air, as CA officials attempted to throw a net around him and take him back to the official headquarters for closer examination.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
"It's a non issue, mate. All Roy did was hold this bloke by the hair and smash his head into the pavement, a few times. It was actually pretty funny. It's been taken out of context, mate."
"Michael Slater, Slats to his mates, saw the whole thing. He was sitting on my knee at the time. People say he's just a good-time gal. We've always found him to be a pain in the arse, mate."
Comment by David Edwards
"I was served to Roy in a tall glass, with several ice cubes for enhanced thirst quenching. Roy drank me with such forcefulness, gripping the glass aggressively as if he were taking the long handle to a couple of park cricketers. While he drank me down with gusto, i noticed that his tonsils were inflammed, possibly due to the calf blood that he has been drinking on a daily basis."
"Michael Slater was there, sitting on Darren Lockyer's knee as Lockyer recited an Aesop's Fable. The moral of the story was: 'always abuse Indian cricketers'."
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
"I feel flat about the whole incident. You don't know what it's like only seeing the world through a tall glass of Lemon, Lime and Bitters. He did it all right. he was nowhere near the toilet when it happened. He shits in his hand, you know."
The Ice Cube
"He did it! I saw the whole thing. I'm melting!"
Comment by David Edwards
The coaster, in contrast, is in tatters after being torn up by a toey Mark Gasnier during the night, but is still keen to make an official statement.