David EdwardsThe reclusive J.D. Salinger takes position as writer for cricket website: cricinfo.com
November 20th 2008 22:29
The author J.D. Salinger, he of Catcher in the Rye fame, has been headhunted by cricinfo.com for the vacant position of live scorecard writer/commentator.
The reclusive Salinger was eager to prove to critics that he is not a literary "one hit wonder", with the jury still out on whether he has produced anything of relevance since the acclaimed 1951 novel.
In a bizarre twist, Salinger was unable to complete his first day of work, instead walking out after the first over of the Australia v New Zealand test match. The full transcript is printed below:
Excerpts from Cricinfo.com: Day One.
"Toss. New Zealand just won the toss and have decided to bat first. I just knew that guy Ponting would lose the goddamn toss. He always does. I hate a guy that loses the toss so much. Makes him seem like a loser. Take M.S. Dhoni, for example. Girls like him because he has a terrifically nice smile; he's always looking all selfless and all that when he's captaining, unlike Ponting, who seems like an damn bastard. That Vettori, he's real tough, i like him. He seems kinda cool, like something out of the 1950s. A real groover, you know, with the spectacles and all. I know i sound sarcastic, but i'm not. I hate people that are sarcastic, like Mark Nicholas. That guy's just a phony.
First Over:
0.1: Martin to Hayden, no run. Hayden allows the ball to travel safely through to the keeper. Hayden needs to score some runs in this innings. If he flunks again then he might get kicked out of the team. I'll tell you, old Hayden needs a good knock here, i'm not lying. I never lie.
0.2: Martin to Hayden, FOUR. Martin overpitches and Hayden slaps him through the covers for four, effortlessly. That's the thing about Hayden. One minute he's being a corny bastard slapping asses with his towel in the changerooms, the next he's smacking you about like a crazy psychopath, i swear to God. I need a cigarette...
0.3. Martin to Hayden, one run. Martin drops one short and Hayden pulls it safely down to fine leg on the bounce.
0.4. Martin to Katich, FOUR. Martin strays down leg and Katich clips it very fine for a boundary. Some people say that Katich has a weird technique, but i like it. He doesn't care what people think about him, not at all. I don't know why people care so much about what other people think of them, no, i don't. My brother, D.B., he cares too much about what people think of him. He lives in Hollywood. God, he must be about 100 years old by now, he's been there since the 50's. People who live in Hollywood are phonies. I went once, with D.B., to see the film "Dead Calm" - starring Sam Neill as Simon Katich - portraying the life and times of a silly mid-on fieldsman. The most phonyest thing i've ever seen. Oh, i've written too much. Sometimes i get carried away and all, you know. I should get ready for the next ball...
0.5. Martin to Katich, no run. Katich sways easily out of the way of an innocuous Martin bouncer.
0.6. Martin to Katich, OUT. Katich plays hard and on the up at a well pitched ball outside off stump, merely poking it to Ryder at short cover. Damn. I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this writing position. What if i can't live up to the expectations of cricinfo.com, or more importantly, the general public? Boy, this kills me. I don't even really understand this game cricket, it just seems a great load of hogwash to me, no offence. I feel like i never really grew up, in that i'm still speaking and writing in the first person perspective, in the voice of a 17-year old boy. God, i'm an 88 year old man now, i need to grow up! I'm gonna go and find some hookers to have a conversation with, yes, that sounds like a swell idea. If my name isn't Holden Caulfield....
End of Over 1: Australia 1/9.
(Salinger walks out of the cricinfo.com office, never to be seen/heard of again)
-SportingMind
The reclusive Salinger was eager to prove to critics that he is not a literary "one hit wonder", with the jury still out on whether he has produced anything of relevance since the acclaimed 1951 novel.
In a bizarre twist, Salinger was unable to complete his first day of work, instead walking out after the first over of the Australia v New Zealand test match. The full transcript is printed below:
"Damn you phonies!!"
Excerpts from Cricinfo.com: Day One.
"Toss. New Zealand just won the toss and have decided to bat first. I just knew that guy Ponting would lose the goddamn toss. He always does. I hate a guy that loses the toss so much. Makes him seem like a loser. Take M.S. Dhoni, for example. Girls like him because he has a terrifically nice smile; he's always looking all selfless and all that when he's captaining, unlike Ponting, who seems like an damn bastard. That Vettori, he's real tough, i like him. He seems kinda cool, like something out of the 1950s. A real groover, you know, with the spectacles and all. I know i sound sarcastic, but i'm not. I hate people that are sarcastic, like Mark Nicholas. That guy's just a phony.
First Over:
0.1: Martin to Hayden, no run. Hayden allows the ball to travel safely through to the keeper. Hayden needs to score some runs in this innings. If he flunks again then he might get kicked out of the team. I'll tell you, old Hayden needs a good knock here, i'm not lying. I never lie.
0.2: Martin to Hayden, FOUR. Martin overpitches and Hayden slaps him through the covers for four, effortlessly. That's the thing about Hayden. One minute he's being a corny bastard slapping asses with his towel in the changerooms, the next he's smacking you about like a crazy psychopath, i swear to God. I need a cigarette...
0.3. Martin to Hayden, one run. Martin drops one short and Hayden pulls it safely down to fine leg on the bounce.
A literary materpiece, or the incoherent ramblings of a troubled man? Or both?
0.4. Martin to Katich, FOUR. Martin strays down leg and Katich clips it very fine for a boundary. Some people say that Katich has a weird technique, but i like it. He doesn't care what people think about him, not at all. I don't know why people care so much about what other people think of them, no, i don't. My brother, D.B., he cares too much about what people think of him. He lives in Hollywood. God, he must be about 100 years old by now, he's been there since the 50's. People who live in Hollywood are phonies. I went once, with D.B., to see the film "Dead Calm" - starring Sam Neill as Simon Katich - portraying the life and times of a silly mid-on fieldsman. The most phonyest thing i've ever seen. Oh, i've written too much. Sometimes i get carried away and all, you know. I should get ready for the next ball...
0.5. Martin to Katich, no run. Katich sways easily out of the way of an innocuous Martin bouncer.
0.6. Martin to Katich, OUT. Katich plays hard and on the up at a well pitched ball outside off stump, merely poking it to Ryder at short cover. Damn. I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this writing position. What if i can't live up to the expectations of cricinfo.com, or more importantly, the general public? Boy, this kills me. I don't even really understand this game cricket, it just seems a great load of hogwash to me, no offence. I feel like i never really grew up, in that i'm still speaking and writing in the first person perspective, in the voice of a 17-year old boy. God, i'm an 88 year old man now, i need to grow up! I'm gonna go and find some hookers to have a conversation with, yes, that sounds like a swell idea. If my name isn't Holden Caulfield....
End of Over 1: Australia 1/9.
(Salinger walks out of the cricinfo.com office, never to be seen/heard of again)
-SportingMind
| 68 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
1.1. Southee to Hayden, OUT
He reminds me of a young Kerouac. It's a fast swinger. Hayden, in need of divine intervention, plays forward where going back would have sufficed. The glistening pill, I take three at meals, takes a piece of the Crucifix he carries and the ball heads behind. My grandfather was a blind senator, I nearly forgot to mention. I'm also related to Al Gore. Enough about me. Al has always had problems. The man standing next to the man in the gloves takes the ball before it touches the ground. I wrote a few screenplays, I'm not sure I mentioned. Hollywood isn't what it was when i was just the grandson of a blind senator whose father flew planes and resented his mother. I've said too much. I should not have inserted myself in so often.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
1.2. Southee to Ponting, no run.
"Ponting faces Southee; an exuberant youth with a hint of lewd, offering the straightest of bats that reminded this writer's brother, former South Australian cricketer John Inverarity, of a gorgeous fondue he once sampled on a Contiki tour, in Switzerland, of all places..."
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Comment by Virile Men
Comment by mistersmith
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Comment by Virile Men
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
over 8.1: Martin to Ponting. No run. Ponting leaves elegantly, looking rather like Bradman used to, treating the ball with disdain. Bradman used to treat all balls with disdain for fear they mayt be Catholic. A real c***, Bradman, come to think of it. An absolute first class bastard. The fact he was a Protestant had nothing to do with it. My next door neighbour was Protestant and he wasn't half the prick Bradman was. Now where was I...
Comment by Captain Carnage
Comment by James Rickard
unlucky_ fishermen.com
Angling Fish
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
William Lee’s brother, hair junky, cockroach eliminator, sender and total demoralizator of the interzone, Brett, sprays a liquefactionist delivery to Black Capped Meat, and known factualist pest Danny Vettori as divisionist choofing umpire BR ‘Gonzales’ Doctrove calls “No glot … C’lom fliday” (which is West Indian Pidgin English for come back Friday, the test will be over by Saturday).
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Great post. Loved it. And the comments.
It should be kept going for the entire summer.