David EdwardsA Prime Minister's XI: With a difference....
November 11th 2008 03:33
The Prime Minister's XI is, of course, the fabulous progeny of none other than Sir Robert Menzies. In fact, it is a pre-requisite for Prime Ministers to love cricket, or at least wholeheartedly pretend to.
SportingMind has decided to scribe the definitive Prime Minister's XI, albeit in a slightly different way. The possessive apostrophe will be eliminated altogether, leaving us with the new format: The Prime Minsters XI. In essence, a cricketing team made up of Australia's past Prime Ministers - in batting order - of course.
In batting order, the team to take on the Adam Gilchrist-led "All-Stars" is as follows:
1) Edmund Barton
2) William MacMahon
3) John Curtin
4) Gough Whitlam (c)
5) Bob Hawke
6) Robert Menzies (vc)
7) Harold Holt (wk)
8) Malcolm Fraser
9) John Howard
10) Paul Keating
11) Kevin Rudd
12) John Gorton (carrying the 'drinks')
1. Edmund Barton.
Barton was an easy choice as opening batsman. A boy from Glebe who loved his cricket and ended up a High Court judge, Barton was a classic Australian who deserves his position on the team. Nothing flashy, Barton was a dependable PM who saw off the new ball with aplomb, getting Australia off to a solid start. He deserves his place in the squad at the top of the list.
2. Billy MacMahon.
A contentious decision as opening batsman, MacMahon was a polarising figure who raised the eyebrows of his fellow politicians. A well publicised spat with Nationals leader John McEwen during the aftermath of Holt, and, more importantly, the fact that he was an ugly bastard meant that he was never the most popular of PM's. However, that is exactly what we need in an opening batsman. A bastard.
3. John Curtin
Curtin is the backbone of this team. Strong, dependable, good in a crisis. He thoroughly deserves his position at first drop. Initially in line for the captaincy, Curtin was prone to bouts of nerves when making decisions on the cricket field, prompting some pundits to say that he couldn't handle the pressure.
4. Gough Whitlam.
Whitlam is a flashy, arrogant cricketer who always tries to make his mark on a game. The kind of bloke who'll hit his first ball for six just to show who's boss. There is a lot of Viv Richards in Gough Whitlam: the swaggering attitude and an adversarial nature being hallmarks of both men. Whitlam will be captain of the squad.
5. Bob Hawke
Hawkey is in this team simply for his ability to smash schooners. A world record holder for his 2.5 pints downed in 11 seconds, Hawke would be commissioned to break the Australia-England beer drinking record currently held by David Boon, bringing some respectability and much needed "ocker" to this side.
Hawke will lead the Australian team song in victory, taking over from Curtin, who felt the pressure was too much burden to bear.
6. Robert Menzies.
The bloke could bat. An imposing figure at the crease, Menzies was the kind of batsman who, if dropped early, could really go on to make a big score - as evidenced in his failed first term as Prime Minister.
Menzies retired on his own terms, as opposed to most PM's who play until dropped. This separates him from all of his teammates, who, rather inexcusably, were dropped from their position or died in office.
7) Harold Holt
Holt is the gloveman of this side; safer hands there are not. Holt's quote, "All the way with LBJ' was not actually a reference to siding with Lyndon Johnson's foreign policy, but his agreement with Australian selectors in regards to Limiting Brendon Julian to one dayers, advocating his axing from the test side.
Holt will run the team through a comprehensive warm-down after each test match, via an evening swim at Portsea to get out those cobwebs.
8) Malcolm Fraser
Fraser is in the side for his height. Fraser's huge frame means he can generate quite a lot of bounce from any given wicket. In recent years he has become a flashier, headline-grabbing swing bowler and aggresssive batsman, confusing many people considering that in his day he was known as a conservative, line-and-length bowler with a dour demeanour.
Fraser would also be terrific value in a touring squad. The "Memphis trousers" incident, which he has yet to live down, only adds to the folklore. Gough Whitlam has said that, in a Barbados hotel room, he awoke at 3 a.m. before the 3rd Test Match, only to see a naked Fraser practising his batting technique in front of a full length mirror. Indeed, Fraser was never afraid to show Whitlam the backdoor.
9) John Howard
A top class spinner, SportingMind has repeatedly called for Howard's selection in the actual Australia squad. No doubt that he can fill the role of off-spinner in this Prime Ministers XI.
10) Paul Keating
Keating will bowl military mediums and bat 10. A staunch republican supporter, lover of the arts, and devout hater of sport in general, Keating will add an interesting element to a team full of cricket tragics. One could compare Keating to Stuart MacGill: a shared love of wine, arts, history and politics, often appearing quite disinterested at times. Nevertheless, both have the ability to pull out tremendous results when least expected. The difference being, that Keating got rid of Hawkey, while MacGilla could never usurp Warney.
11) Kevin Rudd
A self-professed "nerd", Rudd gets the number eleven spot just ahead of Frank Forde, who served as interim PM for 8 days in 1945 after Curtin's untimely death. Rudd's achievements for the Yandina Pioneers C-Grade side in 1972-3, in which he mustered an average of 1.25 in ten innings, earning him the role of team "bunny". Rudd will not bowl in this team, instead he will use his diplomatic skills to befriend the opposing captain, thus allowing his more fancied teammates to take advantage of this trust.
Unfortunately, Rudd will not be allowed to room with Malcolm Fraser when on tour. The chance that they may end up in a strip club together, claiming ignorance of the night's activities, is just too strong a possibility. Undoubtedly a "pants-man", Rudd will need to be kept in check by the conservative wing of the tour party.
12) John Gorton
As for the Twelfth Man, it has to be John Gorton. As political commentator Mungo McCallum once described, "He very often had a glass of Bells in one hand and a Benson & Hedges in the other." SportingMind would have loved to put Mark Latham in there, but he was never made Prime Minister. Although it may be a dangerous thing to have Latham in charge of carrying any type of drinks.
This is the definitive PM XI. Successful men in their own right, all with their own biographies (although not written by Paul Barry or Roland Perry) and brilliant track records. Most importantly, none of these men would walk if they edged it to the keeper. That's what i like about this team.
-SportingMind
SportingMind has decided to scribe the definitive Prime Minister's XI, albeit in a slightly different way. The possessive apostrophe will be eliminated altogether, leaving us with the new format: The Prime Minsters XI. In essence, a cricketing team made up of Australia's past Prime Ministers - in batting order - of course.
In batting order, the team to take on the Adam Gilchrist-led "All-Stars" is as follows:
1) Edmund Barton
2) William MacMahon
3) John Curtin
4) Gough Whitlam (c)
5) Bob Hawke
6) Robert Menzies (vc)
7) Harold Holt (wk)
8) Malcolm Fraser
9) John Howard
10) Paul Keating
11) Kevin Rudd
12) John Gorton (carrying the 'drinks')
1. Edmund Barton.
Barton was an easy choice as opening batsman. A boy from Glebe who loved his cricket and ended up a High Court judge, Barton was a classic Australian who deserves his position on the team. Nothing flashy, Barton was a dependable PM who saw off the new ball with aplomb, getting Australia off to a solid start. He deserves his place in the squad at the top of the list.
2. Billy MacMahon.
A contentious decision as opening batsman, MacMahon was a polarising figure who raised the eyebrows of his fellow politicians. A well publicised spat with Nationals leader John McEwen during the aftermath of Holt, and, more importantly, the fact that he was an ugly bastard meant that he was never the most popular of PM's. However, that is exactly what we need in an opening batsman. A bastard.
Billy: A good-looking bastard
3. John Curtin
Curtin is the backbone of this team. Strong, dependable, good in a crisis. He thoroughly deserves his position at first drop. Initially in line for the captaincy, Curtin was prone to bouts of nerves when making decisions on the cricket field, prompting some pundits to say that he couldn't handle the pressure.
4. Gough Whitlam.
Whitlam is a flashy, arrogant cricketer who always tries to make his mark on a game. The kind of bloke who'll hit his first ball for six just to show who's boss. There is a lot of Viv Richards in Gough Whitlam: the swaggering attitude and an adversarial nature being hallmarks of both men. Whitlam will be captain of the squad.
5. Bob Hawke
Hawkey is in this team simply for his ability to smash schooners. A world record holder for his 2.5 pints downed in 11 seconds, Hawke would be commissioned to break the Australia-England beer drinking record currently held by David Boon, bringing some respectability and much needed "ocker" to this side.
Hawke will lead the Australian team song in victory, taking over from Curtin, who felt the pressure was too much burden to bear.
"Under the Southern Cross we stand, a sprig of wattle...C'mon boys, get amongst it!!"
6. Robert Menzies.
The bloke could bat. An imposing figure at the crease, Menzies was the kind of batsman who, if dropped early, could really go on to make a big score - as evidenced in his failed first term as Prime Minister.
Menzies retired on his own terms, as opposed to most PM's who play until dropped. This separates him from all of his teammates, who, rather inexcusably, were dropped from their position or died in office.
7) Harold Holt
Holt is the gloveman of this side; safer hands there are not. Holt's quote, "All the way with LBJ' was not actually a reference to siding with Lyndon Johnson's foreign policy, but his agreement with Australian selectors in regards to Limiting Brendon Julian to one dayers, advocating his axing from the test side.
Holt will run the team through a comprehensive warm-down after each test match, via an evening swim at Portsea to get out those cobwebs.
8) Malcolm Fraser
Fraser is in the side for his height. Fraser's huge frame means he can generate quite a lot of bounce from any given wicket. In recent years he has become a flashier, headline-grabbing swing bowler and aggresssive batsman, confusing many people considering that in his day he was known as a conservative, line-and-length bowler with a dour demeanour.
Fraser would also be terrific value in a touring squad. The "Memphis trousers" incident, which he has yet to live down, only adds to the folklore. Gough Whitlam has said that, in a Barbados hotel room, he awoke at 3 a.m. before the 3rd Test Match, only to see a naked Fraser practising his batting technique in front of a full length mirror. Indeed, Fraser was never afraid to show Whitlam the backdoor.
Fraser...Still looking for those trousers.
9) John Howard
A top class spinner, SportingMind has repeatedly called for Howard's selection in the actual Australia squad. No doubt that he can fill the role of off-spinner in this Prime Ministers XI.
10) Paul Keating
Keating will bowl military mediums and bat 10. A staunch republican supporter, lover of the arts, and devout hater of sport in general, Keating will add an interesting element to a team full of cricket tragics. One could compare Keating to Stuart MacGill: a shared love of wine, arts, history and politics, often appearing quite disinterested at times. Nevertheless, both have the ability to pull out tremendous results when least expected. The difference being, that Keating got rid of Hawkey, while MacGilla could never usurp Warney.
"God i hate sport. I'm such an aesthete. Sport is for ocker wankers..."
11) Kevin Rudd
A self-professed "nerd", Rudd gets the number eleven spot just ahead of Frank Forde, who served as interim PM for 8 days in 1945 after Curtin's untimely death. Rudd's achievements for the Yandina Pioneers C-Grade side in 1972-3, in which he mustered an average of 1.25 in ten innings, earning him the role of team "bunny". Rudd will not bowl in this team, instead he will use his diplomatic skills to befriend the opposing captain, thus allowing his more fancied teammates to take advantage of this trust.
Unfortunately, Rudd will not be allowed to room with Malcolm Fraser when on tour. The chance that they may end up in a strip club together, claiming ignorance of the night's activities, is just too strong a possibility. Undoubtedly a "pants-man", Rudd will need to be kept in check by the conservative wing of the tour party.
12) John Gorton
As for the Twelfth Man, it has to be John Gorton. As political commentator Mungo McCallum once described, "He very often had a glass of Bells in one hand and a Benson & Hedges in the other." SportingMind would have loved to put Mark Latham in there, but he was never made Prime Minister. Although it may be a dangerous thing to have Latham in charge of carrying any type of drinks.
Gorton: A true Aussie bloke.
This is the definitive PM XI. Successful men in their own right, all with their own biographies (although not written by Paul Barry or Roland Perry) and brilliant track records. Most importantly, none of these men would walk if they edged it to the keeper. That's what i like about this team.
-SportingMind
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Billy Hughes would have to be the touring captain, in my opinion. He'd be responsible for taking us to places we have no business going to. We'd tour Pakistan if he was around.
I think Pig Iron Bob would find the Japanese particularly susceptible to his partnership-breakers, as well.
Marvellous work. I love it to pieces.
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
I mean look at how he reacted last time he was dismissed.
I can just see him at the post-match press conference saying "well may we say God save the Queen, but nothing will save Umpire Bowden"
I mean to be dismissed by a Pom is one thing, but by a Kiwi...
Do you really think he''s up to the challenge?
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
I gave it to him because i knew it would make the other players hungrier for the captaincy. I was also interested in where Whitlam would put Fraser in the field. I'd suggest Fraser would be doing the "fine leg to fine leg" honours.
As far as great partnership breakers go, I'd throw Curtin, Keating or even Whitlam the ball, they knew how to break a solid English partnership.
Menzies is too fat to even metaphorically bowl, let alone actually bowl.
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
I like the concept/premise but I'd like to see it developed further into a Prime Minister's Xl based on anyone in politics. Then I think you could go to town on the concept.
Even include the World XI.
And Damian's comment is a classic.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Whitlam still resents Kerr for the dismissal, fair enough too. It was a real wrong'un.
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Yeah I loved the idea behind the post. I just think you could carry it much further.
The international Political XI offers a lot of ideas.
Imelada Marcos would have to get the job as sprig studder with her experience with footwear, etc.
Don't put Imran Khan in though. That wouldn't be fair.
Looking forward to the next instalment.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
I think I'd have Hoover in a slip. No argument from him, either. I wonder how many Jews would the Nazi XI have in the gully? Quite a few.
By the way, Menzies has lost a lot of weight. The only thing is his arm doesn't brush his ear anymore. It rotted off.
Comment by Virile Men
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
I am tempted to pen a Homosexual XI vs an Extreme Right-Wing XI, with the game to be played either in Alabama or the grassy knoll in Taylor Square, off Sydney's Oxford Street. Expect plenty of ball jokes and inappropriate genocide references.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
I heard a rumour Harold Holt was training the Hamas team at one stage, before he defected to the ICL
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
That game, Damian, is to be played at the Gaza strip - a very dangerous pitch indeed. Not sure what the Hamas attack will be like for that one, but i'd suggest it would be rather hostile.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Umpire Milton Orkopoulos confirmed the match, saying "I've got some grass, can i play on your wicket?"
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
"The Ayatollah Khomenei - somewhat of a ring-in as far as the Arab-Israeli match is concerned - pauses at the top of his mark. This really is a fearsome attack on what is an absolute minefield of a pitch! Osama bin Laden claps his gloves together behind the stumps, another late inclusion after one of the Palestinian XI blew up the team bus on the way to the ground. From underneath the tea-towel at short leg, Yasser Arafat is testing the patience and concentration of the batsman. This really is super cricket this, simply marvelous"
Oh dear, is there anyone we haven't managed to offend yet? Because I'm willing to try!
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Hmm, who haven't we offended... The muslim community? No, you've done that. Homosexuals? Certainly. Indians? Alcoholics? Right and Left-wing extremists? The umpiring fraternity??
The only minority group we haven't incensed is perhaps the disabled.