Mark Planamente
NormPocket Edition of Steve Waugh's Tour Diaries hits the shelves
July 10th 2009 02:39
In time for the latest tour our dutiful careerists and vainglorious nationalists are taking part in so that we can enjoy the freedom our republic affords, the medication developed by specialists at Pfizer as a cure for insomnia, Steve Waugh has released "The Pocket Edition of Steve Waugh's Tour Diaries", available for the first time here in digital format.
The Ashes, Iraq, 1989
Waugh writes: "The gulf between the two countries is never more evident than when hostilities commence. Like most, I get really nervous before I have to face a steamed up shit. Before the first ball is bowled in anger, AB asks me to clean up my own shit. It never occurred to me that it was leaking out of my pads. AB does a good job, but he sometimes has unkind things to say about others. Before going in to face an English attack minus Saddam Hussein, I try and get into his head. I told him that Tubby was looking at him a bit funny. And I put a copy of "The Prince" by Machiavelli into Tub's kit so AB would see it. Funny thing is, AB says he prefers Michael Jackson and he decides to teach Tub a lesson. So he decides to make Tub bat left-handed for the rest of the tour. He looks ungainly, but he manages to add value to the myth that he's a man you want in the trenches with you. The upshot is that I get relegated to holding up the tail with Henry Lawson because Deano dobs me in. What a horse's ass. Sometimes I lie awake at night just thinking about how I'm going to fix him. There's something very wrong with that man. Shit, I hear somebody coming."
After The Ashes of 1989, Waugh manages to keep out of the papers despite persistent rumours escalating of his presence in Africa. After a weakness in his defence is exposed by migrating Africans, he pops up in the Balkans with a greater resolve to instigate conflict.
The Siege of Sarajevo, 1992-1996
Waugh writes: "I feel like they're closing in on me. Outside I can hear the sound of what sounds like a crowd of hostile people watching my every move. My helmet begins to fill with thoughts of playing freely in the park. Then it's called over. That's pretty much what it's like when you dig in for a long battle against a fearsome attack. Somehow, I manage to avoid going out. The fear of going out is compounded by what it might do to my average. Just hang in there, it'll all be over soon. I see out a few shots fired from Afghanistan up the other end. After it's over, the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia (ICTY) convicted us of numerous crimes against humanity for our conduct in the siege. At home, we're heroes and given lucrative book deals. Afghanistan blows the whole lot on drugs and gambling. There's something not quite right about that boy. After it's over, I suffer a bit of a slump but I feel things are about to turn the way of Waugh, again. Hide in the gully and do a bit of sniping. I wouldn't say I said anything too hurtful. An additional 56,000 persons are wounded, including nearly 15,000 children. The international arena is no playground."
After The Siege of Sarajevo, Waugh, is appointed captain of Australia after falsifying documents that incriminate his rival Shane Warne. Now in the position he has never coveted, Waugh has a free reign to implement his policies and returns to his first triumph.
The Occupation of Iraq, 2003-
Waugh writes: "I can feel it all starting to catch up with me. Retire from the international scene. The domestic scene bores me. Must catch up with my wife. Think about going into politics. I won't bore you with the details. Devise plans with Simmo to bring down the brutal rule and unjust rule of Tasmanian despot. Senator Bob Brown opposes our overseas conflict. Put a pill in his soy latte. He turns into just boring despot.I can't help thinking that there's a book in all of this. I won't go into too many details. Expose flaw in the defences of The Butcher of Brisbane. Grow weary of all this internal strife. The doctor says I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Asks me to remove my strides and bend over. Turns out Senator Brown is also Doctor Brown. I should have read the plaque outside his office. I won't go into it. I'm not much for reading. Bring democracy to the people of England. Have a falling out with Australian coach. I hate long bus rides and I had to sit next to Greg Ritchie. He takes up half of my seat and uses my red lucky hanky to hijack the bus. Everybody knew it was him. I hate conflict, so I jumped out."
This is just an excerpt from "The Pocket Edition of Steve Waugh's Tour Diaries". Copies are avialable at the War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague. For more information on the author, consult with your embassy. Whatever you make think of him, Waugh has always managed to carry himself with a red hanky. If nothing else, write a letter to your local member and demand the release of "The Full Story on Waugh" or else, vote with your feet. If you can get the pencil between your toes. It's a bit fiddly.
The Ashes, Iraq, 1989
Waugh writes: "The gulf between the two countries is never more evident than when hostilities commence. Like most, I get really nervous before I have to face a steamed up shit. Before the first ball is bowled in anger, AB asks me to clean up my own shit. It never occurred to me that it was leaking out of my pads. AB does a good job, but he sometimes has unkind things to say about others. Before going in to face an English attack minus Saddam Hussein, I try and get into his head. I told him that Tubby was looking at him a bit funny. And I put a copy of "The Prince" by Machiavelli into Tub's kit so AB would see it. Funny thing is, AB says he prefers Michael Jackson and he decides to teach Tub a lesson. So he decides to make Tub bat left-handed for the rest of the tour. He looks ungainly, but he manages to add value to the myth that he's a man you want in the trenches with you. The upshot is that I get relegated to holding up the tail with Henry Lawson because Deano dobs me in. What a horse's ass. Sometimes I lie awake at night just thinking about how I'm going to fix him. There's something very wrong with that man. Shit, I hear somebody coming."
After The Ashes of 1989, Waugh manages to keep out of the papers despite persistent rumours escalating of his presence in Africa. After a weakness in his defence is exposed by migrating Africans, he pops up in the Balkans with a greater resolve to instigate conflict.
The Siege of Sarajevo, 1992-1996
Waugh writes: "I feel like they're closing in on me. Outside I can hear the sound of what sounds like a crowd of hostile people watching my every move. My helmet begins to fill with thoughts of playing freely in the park. Then it's called over. That's pretty much what it's like when you dig in for a long battle against a fearsome attack. Somehow, I manage to avoid going out. The fear of going out is compounded by what it might do to my average. Just hang in there, it'll all be over soon. I see out a few shots fired from Afghanistan up the other end. After it's over, the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia (ICTY) convicted us of numerous crimes against humanity for our conduct in the siege. At home, we're heroes and given lucrative book deals. Afghanistan blows the whole lot on drugs and gambling. There's something not quite right about that boy. After it's over, I suffer a bit of a slump but I feel things are about to turn the way of Waugh, again. Hide in the gully and do a bit of sniping. I wouldn't say I said anything too hurtful. An additional 56,000 persons are wounded, including nearly 15,000 children. The international arena is no playground."
After The Siege of Sarajevo, Waugh, is appointed captain of Australia after falsifying documents that incriminate his rival Shane Warne. Now in the position he has never coveted, Waugh has a free reign to implement his policies and returns to his first triumph.
The Occupation of Iraq, 2003-
Waugh writes: "I can feel it all starting to catch up with me. Retire from the international scene. The domestic scene bores me. Must catch up with my wife. Think about going into politics. I won't bore you with the details. Devise plans with Simmo to bring down the brutal rule and unjust rule of Tasmanian despot. Senator Bob Brown opposes our overseas conflict. Put a pill in his soy latte. He turns into just boring despot.I can't help thinking that there's a book in all of this. I won't go into too many details. Expose flaw in the defences of The Butcher of Brisbane. Grow weary of all this internal strife. The doctor says I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Asks me to remove my strides and bend over. Turns out Senator Brown is also Doctor Brown. I should have read the plaque outside his office. I won't go into it. I'm not much for reading. Bring democracy to the people of England. Have a falling out with Australian coach. I hate long bus rides and I had to sit next to Greg Ritchie. He takes up half of my seat and uses my red lucky hanky to hijack the bus. Everybody knew it was him. I hate conflict, so I jumped out."
This is just an excerpt from "The Pocket Edition of Steve Waugh's Tour Diaries". Copies are avialable at the War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague. For more information on the author, consult with your embassy. Whatever you make think of him, Waugh has always managed to carry himself with a red hanky. If nothing else, write a letter to your local member and demand the release of "The Full Story on Waugh" or else, vote with your feet. If you can get the pencil between your toes. It's a bit fiddly.
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Comment by Chris Champion
LettersToNorm
Vyoos
Zoomies
Bloggercises
The Blog of Lists
All in all, this post shows an appreciation of international politics and current affairs which can only be described in words not yet invented.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
All in all, thanks for taking a liking to my little exercise regime. Well, the regime is really that of SportingMind. I'm innocent of all charges.
Comment by David Edwards
What is less known is that Danny Waugh, youngest brother to the twins, was known as "Iraq": the unnecessary war.
We could take this further, if you wish? It really is limitless.
Comment by David Edwards
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Have you got anything in a cricket shoe?
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Here is an 'email' that in the interests of Free Speech has been reinstated for contextual purposes.
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- huang
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train