David EdwardsThe Intriguing Habits of "footballers"
April 14th 2008 08:47
Whilst Barry Hall's latest "indiscretion" (a great euphemism for act of sheer malice) has been condemned by the media and the A.F.L, it once again proves that sportsmen are inhuman - incapable of rational thought. Therefore we should hasten to judge them in relation to normal human behaviour, but consider their actions (public OR on-field) against a new Sporting Constitution, which should be devised by a group of elite academics - possibly at the upcoming 20/20 Summit.
And if this "Sporting Constitution" is created, there is no shortage of precedent on which to base the new laws. Lets take a look at some of the more memorable moments of assault and criminal behaviour that have happened in recent times.
I ahve already commented on Barry Hall. Lets face it, the guy who was marking him was giving him the shits. It's like in the wild when a lion is feasting upon a deer carcass, and a hyena tries to get a piece of the action. You just react instinctively, you don't think.
We only have to look back a few weeks in the N.R.L, where Michael Weyman felt the need to articulate his displeasure through a "love tap" to Daniel Conn's face. Weyman was villified for his actions, but maintained he was no thug. Indeed he isn't, he is no different to any professional footballer. Lets not judge him in comparison to you or i. His actions were legitimate. HE got angry, so HE hit the closest organism.
Dermott Brereton in the old VFL in 1989 was smashed at the opening bounce by Geelong's Mark Yeates - again exhibiting the "hurt rival at all costs" mentality. Plus, it was a grand-final, and everyone knows you can't get sent off in a grand-final - "anything goes" in a GF. Imagine if this applied in real life. A day where you could do anything, to anyone.
Les Boyd smashed Daryl Brohman back in the 80's, people still talk about this event. It was the footballers version of the Ivan Milat backpacker murders. A senseless act that left many bewildered, and a little concerned.
And some of the great off-field incidents. The "Bulldog's gang-rape" case was a classic example. Gang-rape is something that doesn't even happen in the wild - and i will not even attempt to justify gang-rape. However many animals do hunt in packs, so we can see how a footballing team could be lured into such an activity. In fact lets just forget i mentioned that one. Moving to the English Premier League, how about the Dwight Yorke and Mark Bosnich alcohol fuelled "sex romp" with 4 females - which was videotaped. This was a classic, and full-credit to the footballers in being able to operate the camera effectively. Some minor NRL one's include Jaryd Hayne nearly being shot (echoes of game-hunting here), and Mark Gansier infamous "Four toey (humans)" phone call - an attempt to initate group sex with a lone female minding her own business.
My favourite part of football is the judiciary/tribunal meetings, where we get to hear how a footballer is either guilty/innocent of an on-field misdemeanor. Experts are called in to micro-analyse whether a player had the mental capacity to make a split second decision, whether the spear tackle was deliberate on not (from a biomechanical perspective), whether he meant to eye-gouge the opponent or just try and re-open a pre-existing facial wound, etc.
This animalistic behaviour is fascinating, and i regularly tune in to many sporting fixtures on television. Akin to a David Attenborough documentary, we see how different footballers react in different circumstances. We see their habits outside their natural environment - e.g. Kings Cross, and how they struggle to adapt to the changing conditions. We see their relations with the opposite sex and their attempt to mate, usually resulting in some form of sexual harassment charge, or in the case of ex-N.R.L player Tevita Latu - a violent reaction.
Footballers are animals, they are not human. While the media loves to cover the most animalistic of footballers (think Willie Mason), they neglect the footballers who actually display human emotions and characteristics. For example i once read an article on John Hopoate, the "family man". Never mind that he has more offspring than the average female Praying-Mantis, and likes to play "hide the finger" in opposing player's orifices. Hopoate is a rare breed of animal, and therefore is an intriguing specimen.
A footballer can also defend his actions on the basis of a "brain-snap", or that it was "uncharateristic". Yet these actions are inherent in the genetic make-up of the footballer. Their DNA programs them to hit when aggravated, to drink when victorious, to attempt mating rituals upon any female patron of a given nightclub.
So when you next slam a footballer for getting loose on the piss, for sexually assaulting a woman, for violently attacking each other on the football field; remember who they really are - not normal human beings - but wild, untamed animals undergoing a process of integration into society. Like when your domesticated "pit-bull" dog mauls the next-door neighbours 3 year old toddler. Unfortunately there is no lethal injection for these footballers, and just as unfortunately, there is no mandatory de-sexing of players like there is for your every-day household pet.
Footballers live every day as if it was a grand final, no consequences, no repercussions. Just let them do it, and we can sit back and enjoy the fascinating documentaries on T.V, narrated by Ray Warren/Dennis Cometti.
And if this "Sporting Constitution" is created, there is no shortage of precedent on which to base the new laws. Lets take a look at some of the more memorable moments of assault and criminal behaviour that have happened in recent times.
I ahve already commented on Barry Hall. Lets face it, the guy who was marking him was giving him the shits. It's like in the wild when a lion is feasting upon a deer carcass, and a hyena tries to get a piece of the action. You just react instinctively, you don't think.
We only have to look back a few weeks in the N.R.L, where Michael Weyman felt the need to articulate his displeasure through a "love tap" to Daniel Conn's face. Weyman was villified for his actions, but maintained he was no thug. Indeed he isn't, he is no different to any professional footballer. Lets not judge him in comparison to you or i. His actions were legitimate. HE got angry, so HE hit the closest organism.
Dermott Brereton in the old VFL in 1989 was smashed at the opening bounce by Geelong's Mark Yeates - again exhibiting the "hurt rival at all costs" mentality. Plus, it was a grand-final, and everyone knows you can't get sent off in a grand-final - "anything goes" in a GF. Imagine if this applied in real life. A day where you could do anything, to anyone.
Les Boyd smashed Daryl Brohman back in the 80's, people still talk about this event. It was the footballers version of the Ivan Milat backpacker murders. A senseless act that left many bewildered, and a little concerned.
And some of the great off-field incidents. The "Bulldog's gang-rape" case was a classic example. Gang-rape is something that doesn't even happen in the wild - and i will not even attempt to justify gang-rape. However many animals do hunt in packs, so we can see how a footballing team could be lured into such an activity. In fact lets just forget i mentioned that one. Moving to the English Premier League, how about the Dwight Yorke and Mark Bosnich alcohol fuelled "sex romp" with 4 females - which was videotaped. This was a classic, and full-credit to the footballers in being able to operate the camera effectively. Some minor NRL one's include Jaryd Hayne nearly being shot (echoes of game-hunting here), and Mark Gansier infamous "Four toey (humans)" phone call - an attempt to initate group sex with a lone female minding her own business.
My favourite part of football is the judiciary/tribunal meetings, where we get to hear how a footballer is either guilty/innocent of an on-field misdemeanor. Experts are called in to micro-analyse whether a player had the mental capacity to make a split second decision, whether the spear tackle was deliberate on not (from a biomechanical perspective), whether he meant to eye-gouge the opponent or just try and re-open a pre-existing facial wound, etc.
This animalistic behaviour is fascinating, and i regularly tune in to many sporting fixtures on television. Akin to a David Attenborough documentary, we see how different footballers react in different circumstances. We see their habits outside their natural environment - e.g. Kings Cross, and how they struggle to adapt to the changing conditions. We see their relations with the opposite sex and their attempt to mate, usually resulting in some form of sexual harassment charge, or in the case of ex-N.R.L player Tevita Latu - a violent reaction.
Footballers are animals, they are not human. While the media loves to cover the most animalistic of footballers (think Willie Mason), they neglect the footballers who actually display human emotions and characteristics. For example i once read an article on John Hopoate, the "family man". Never mind that he has more offspring than the average female Praying-Mantis, and likes to play "hide the finger" in opposing player's orifices. Hopoate is a rare breed of animal, and therefore is an intriguing specimen.
A footballer can also defend his actions on the basis of a "brain-snap", or that it was "uncharateristic". Yet these actions are inherent in the genetic make-up of the footballer. Their DNA programs them to hit when aggravated, to drink when victorious, to attempt mating rituals upon any female patron of a given nightclub.
So when you next slam a footballer for getting loose on the piss, for sexually assaulting a woman, for violently attacking each other on the football field; remember who they really are - not normal human beings - but wild, untamed animals undergoing a process of integration into society. Like when your domesticated "pit-bull" dog mauls the next-door neighbours 3 year old toddler. Unfortunately there is no lethal injection for these footballers, and just as unfortunately, there is no mandatory de-sexing of players like there is for your every-day household pet.
Footballers live every day as if it was a grand final, no consequences, no repercussions. Just let them do it, and we can sit back and enjoy the fascinating documentaries on T.V, narrated by Ray Warren/Dennis Cometti.
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