Mark Planamente
NormSportingMind Pulls Out With A Heart Muscle
July 5th 2009 01:23
The most over-rated player to ever strut before a wanton nymph, in even the most contented of winters, SportingMind has pulled what club-footed doctors are describing as "something we didn't even know existed", namely a heart muscle, and has been sent to specialists in Melbourne who treated Nick Riewoldt's hair for further testing of your already frayed nerves.
His replacement, naturally enough, has been lauded by conservative right-wingers as: "a return to the past, and that has to be a step in the right direction", and has left those in the business of massaging your ego with their hands full of it, after reports resurfaced of SportingMind's replacement's attempts to tackle going forward without putting a knock on the code of Rugby League.
"I don't want to sidestep the issue of going forward without tackling the issue of putting something back," he is reported to have told doctors treating the delicate matter of SportingMind's straining organ, "but I don't really see the point, going forward, of going forward all that way only to get to the last line and have to hand it all back," he mumbled, knocking back a fist of pills.
Experts on the sidelines remain unconvinced of the merits of the replacement player's ability to handle a subject without resorting to an array of blindingly scant Speedo's, and have paid particular attention to the lack of overall purpose to the line-breaks, which they have attributed to a bout of what Mexicans call: "what happen to you when you have a bad bean."
"I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate what my replacement has done for me, sport," SportingMind said, hand on vital organ, "but he seems to think of himself as some sort of wally. The wanker," he said, as specialists managed to find where "The Mind's" heart is, namely his flowing locks, but questioned the origins of what they're calling "the state of his ends".
His replacement, naturally enough, has been lauded by conservative right-wingers as: "a return to the past, and that has to be a step in the right direction", and has left those in the business of massaging your ego with their hands full of it, after reports resurfaced of SportingMind's replacement's attempts to tackle going forward without putting a knock on the code of Rugby League.
"I don't want to sidestep the issue of going forward without tackling the issue of putting something back," he is reported to have told doctors treating the delicate matter of SportingMind's straining organ, "but I don't really see the point, going forward, of going forward all that way only to get to the last line and have to hand it all back," he mumbled, knocking back a fist of pills.
Experts on the sidelines remain unconvinced of the merits of the replacement player's ability to handle a subject without resorting to an array of blindingly scant Speedo's, and have paid particular attention to the lack of overall purpose to the line-breaks, which they have attributed to a bout of what Mexicans call: "what happen to you when you have a bad bean."
"I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate what my replacement has done for me, sport," SportingMind said, hand on vital organ, "but he seems to think of himself as some sort of wally. The wanker," he said, as specialists managed to find where "The Mind's" heart is, namely his flowing locks, but questioned the origins of what they're calling "the state of his ends".
SportingMind to his replacement: "Don't make me repeat myself."
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Comment by David Edwards
The rumours are true though. SportingMind has pulled a heart muscle and will not be posting for a while. The interim writer, Norm, is more than qualified when it comes to irreverent sporting know-how.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
To put it mildly, SportingMind's shoes are big to fill. I look forward to filling them. What are twenty pairs of socks for.
Comment by Chris Champion
LettersToNorm
Vyoos
Zoomies
Bloggercises
The Blog of Lists
Get well soon Dave.
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
oops, i thought that said "irrelevant" there for a sec