David Edwards
NormSouth Africa Test Series: Tale of a Leaked Dossier....
December 17th 2008 02:49
In typically investigative fashion, intrepid cricket reporter SportingMind has obtained a secret dossier belonging to Mickey Arthur, coach of the South African team. The dossier details the “homework” that the South African camp has been undertaking in preparation for today’s First Test.
The leak comes from a fringe South African Test cricketer, who was more than happy to spill the beans to the surreptitious reporter.
Detailing each of the twelve Australian cricketers, the dossier is a frightening insight into the working minds of national coaches, who will spare nothing in the pursuit of victory.
Dossier:
Matthew Hayden, LHB. A bully-boy enforcer who can overstep the mark when times are tough. Whilst he is a big man, he often sheds a tear from time to time. Best to follow the tried and true formula: suggest that his third born child was fathered by Michael Slater.
Simon Katich, LHB, LHS. Katich seems to shuffle around the crease like an eligible 1920’s bachelor performing the Charleston. The obvious solution is to remind him that the freewheeling post-WWI days are over, along with the jazz movement and economic prosperity. This should stifle his crease movement dramatically.
Ricky Ponting, RHB (c). Ponting is susceptible early on because he has hard hands, presumably from clutching schooners ever so tightly during his late teenage years. Ntini from wide of the crease should entice him into some erratic stroke-play outside off-stump, angling into his body. If this should fail, I’ve heard that he fancies himself as an actor due to the resounding spike in Swisse Multi-vitamin sales, for whom he appeared in several low budget advertisements. Casting him in an anti-apartheid biopic as a youthful and idealistic Nelson Mandela may prove a masterstroke.
Mike Hussey, LHB. The most steely and determined of the Australians, Hussey appears to have high level OCD. A simple rearrangement of the contents of his fridge and kit-bag should translate onto the field.
Michael Clarke, RHB, LHS. For Clarke, the focus is not on his cricket, but on his life-partner. Thus, the team goal will be for each South African cricketer to try and seduce Andrew Symonds, thus making Clarke feel inadequate and unsure of who to acknowledge when he hits a century. He’ll have to start blowing kisses to Lara Bingle instead.
Andrew Symonds, RHB, RHO/M. India has already demonstrated the way to get Symonds out. A tactful combination of a) sledging references to bananas/jungles; b) plying him with cheap XXXX beer; c) informing him of cheap fishing getaways around Western Australia.
Brad Haddin, RHB, WK. Thankfully, Haddin has an inferiority complex due to a decade of watching Adam Gilchrist receive the type of adulation reserved only for royalty. Solution? Capture him and force him to watch Gilchrist’s match winning 149 in the World Cup of 2007, on repeat. Afterwards, a video montage of acclaimed cricket commentators will be played in which they pay extensive homage to Gilchrist’s stellar career. Make sure that all the commentators mention that he was a “once in a lifetime” cricketer. The background music will be “Heroes”, by David Bowie, or Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”.
Brett Lee, RHB, RHF. Make sure that you “accidentally” refer to him as “Shane”, the name of his lesser known brother. Brett is the jealous type, so this taunt should go down very nicely. If this doesn’t work, play the Michael Slater card.
Mitchell Johnson, LHB, LHF. Johnson is so incredibly RAW, as you have no doubt heard Australian commentators drone on about for the last year. In light of this, consider re-cooking him at a higher temperature for longer.
Jason Krejza, RHB, RHO. For this man we are bringing Herschelle Gibbs into the squad, in a non-playing role. Gibbs will attempt to trap Krejza by “acting” as a drug dealer. If Krejza buys the gear off Gibbs, then we’ll have our man. If he doesn’t, then we can sell the gear off to any given member of the West Coast Eagles AFL team.
Peter Siddle. RHB, RHF. As you know, we have already compiled an extensive dossier on Siddle. According to spies in Melbourne, he bowls right-handed and rather quickly, with a skidding action. He also enjoys a punt at the races, a few beers after training, and, as one covert agent with a telescope has told us, he has a penchant for the missionary position with his lady. From this we can deduce that he is a selfish player and won’t respond well to an early onslaught.
Shane Watson, RHB, RHM. This is an easy one. Shower the beautiful one with gifts from The Body Shop. Bath soaps, massage coupons, scented candles and fruity moisturisers will do nicely. Tell him how gorgeous and injury-free he is, as this will lead to his inevitable break down.
-SportingMind
The leak comes from a fringe South African Test cricketer, who was more than happy to spill the beans to the surreptitious reporter.
Detailing each of the twelve Australian cricketers, the dossier is a frightening insight into the working minds of national coaches, who will spare nothing in the pursuit of victory.
Dossier:
Matthew Hayden, LHB. A bully-boy enforcer who can overstep the mark when times are tough. Whilst he is a big man, he often sheds a tear from time to time. Best to follow the tried and true formula: suggest that his third born child was fathered by Michael Slater.
Simon Katich, LHB, LHS. Katich seems to shuffle around the crease like an eligible 1920’s bachelor performing the Charleston. The obvious solution is to remind him that the freewheeling post-WWI days are over, along with the jazz movement and economic prosperity. This should stifle his crease movement dramatically.
Katich: Still caught up in the opulence of the 1920's..
Ricky Ponting, RHB (c). Ponting is susceptible early on because he has hard hands, presumably from clutching schooners ever so tightly during his late teenage years. Ntini from wide of the crease should entice him into some erratic stroke-play outside off-stump, angling into his body. If this should fail, I’ve heard that he fancies himself as an actor due to the resounding spike in Swisse Multi-vitamin sales, for whom he appeared in several low budget advertisements. Casting him in an anti-apartheid biopic as a youthful and idealistic Nelson Mandela may prove a masterstroke.
Starring alongside Charlize Theron this summer..
Mike Hussey, LHB. The most steely and determined of the Australians, Hussey appears to have high level OCD. A simple rearrangement of the contents of his fridge and kit-bag should translate onto the field.
Michael Clarke, RHB, LHS. For Clarke, the focus is not on his cricket, but on his life-partner. Thus, the team goal will be for each South African cricketer to try and seduce Andrew Symonds, thus making Clarke feel inadequate and unsure of who to acknowledge when he hits a century. He’ll have to start blowing kisses to Lara Bingle instead.
Roy: The blushing bride-to-be...
Andrew Symonds, RHB, RHO/M. India has already demonstrated the way to get Symonds out. A tactful combination of a) sledging references to bananas/jungles; b) plying him with cheap XXXX beer; c) informing him of cheap fishing getaways around Western Australia.
Brad Haddin, RHB, WK. Thankfully, Haddin has an inferiority complex due to a decade of watching Adam Gilchrist receive the type of adulation reserved only for royalty. Solution? Capture him and force him to watch Gilchrist’s match winning 149 in the World Cup of 2007, on repeat. Afterwards, a video montage of acclaimed cricket commentators will be played in which they pay extensive homage to Gilchrist’s stellar career. Make sure that all the commentators mention that he was a “once in a lifetime” cricketer. The background music will be “Heroes”, by David Bowie, or Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”.
"Oh.....How we wish you were here.."
Brett Lee, RHB, RHF. Make sure that you “accidentally” refer to him as “Shane”, the name of his lesser known brother. Brett is the jealous type, so this taunt should go down very nicely. If this doesn’t work, play the Michael Slater card.
Mitchell Johnson, LHB, LHF. Johnson is so incredibly RAW, as you have no doubt heard Australian commentators drone on about for the last year. In light of this, consider re-cooking him at a higher temperature for longer.
MJ: Best served rare with a side of mashed potatoes and dill.
Jason Krejza, RHB, RHO. For this man we are bringing Herschelle Gibbs into the squad, in a non-playing role. Gibbs will attempt to trap Krejza by “acting” as a drug dealer. If Krejza buys the gear off Gibbs, then we’ll have our man. If he doesn’t, then we can sell the gear off to any given member of the West Coast Eagles AFL team.
Peter Siddle. RHB, RHF. As you know, we have already compiled an extensive dossier on Siddle. According to spies in Melbourne, he bowls right-handed and rather quickly, with a skidding action. He also enjoys a punt at the races, a few beers after training, and, as one covert agent with a telescope has told us, he has a penchant for the missionary position with his lady. From this we can deduce that he is a selfish player and won’t respond well to an early onslaught.
Siddle: So unknown that I couldn't find him on google image search, but this guy will do..
Shane Watson, RHB, RHM. This is an easy one. Shower the beautiful one with gifts from The Body Shop. Bath soaps, massage coupons, scented candles and fruity moisturisers will do nicely. Tell him how gorgeous and injury-free he is, as this will lead to his inevitable break down.
-SportingMind
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Mugabe has cited, as his inspiration, Simon Katich saying, "He's very easy on the eye. Especially to my people. We have one of the highest rates of glaucoma in the western world."
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
As Fred Hollows once stated, "My one failure as an eye doctor was to allow Geoff Boycott to discontinue radical laser eye surgery. He could have been anything."