David EdwardsRetirement - why some sportsmen just can't do it...
October 15th 2008 00:13
Retirement. It's a big issue these days, particularly in the light of the global financial crisis. People are having to work well into their sixties just to negate their rapidly dissolving superannuation funds. It's a terrible situation, from which sportsmen are certainly not exempt.
So it is for this reason that Shane Crawford, after finally winning an A.F.L. premiership at the age of 34 with the Hawthorn Hawks, has decided to titilate Melbourne sports journalists by toying with their minds - will he or won't he?? Like a foxy stripper at a high-class mens gallery, dangling her assets in front of sex-starved corporate stooges, Shane Crawford is the teasing showgirl of the A.F.L. No matter how many twenty dollar notes you push down her gaping cleavage, you won't get more than a knowing glance from the wily Crawford, who is now plying the media with ambiguous sound bytes in the same fashion that strip joint workers ply patrons with $10 beer, in order to satiate their lusty desires.
So why can't Crawford walk away from the stage? Perhaps it is because he doesn't want to become a washed up prostitute, charging $20 a pop for the most abhorrent acts of depravity? Perhaps he just enjoys being up there on a pedestal, under the distinctly male gaze, measuring his own worth by the reaction on their faces? Of course, this inappropriate metaphor is not foolproof, yet, i felt there were some similarities worth pointing out. Crawf doesn't want to contemplate life after footy, just like many high profile sportsmen.
Let's look at some of the worst retirements that have been carried out in recent years. Fraser Gehrig gets an honourable mention for his will he or won't he exploits, eventually retiring earlier this year after injury got the better of him. After being sent off in such style in 2007, the G-Train thought it would be a good idea to come back for another season. Overweight, injury-addled, and considerably slower than in his prime, watching Gehrig's last moments was similar to the eventual end of the Soviet Union. The odds were stacked against him, and the ending was inevitable.
Whilst nowhere near as bad as Gehrig's efforts, Terry Lamb gets a notable mention in that he won a grand final in 1995 - then returned for another season, in a side that had lost many players and was struggling in the midst of the Super League war. My advice to all football players? If you win a grand final, just retire. I don't care how old you are. Even if you're 18 years old, nothing, i repeat, nothing can top that euphoria. If you keep playing after that win, you're nothing but a hopeless junkie trying to re-create the ultimate high, yet never quite getting there. In fact, why not just end your life after that victory? A group suicide would be the perfect way for a victorious football team to go out in style. Together in arms - with the knowledge that you have fulfilled your reason for existence. It would also undoubtedly free up the salary cap for next season and allow for a level playing field.
Allan Border's retirement was one of the sadder moments in Australian sport. A man who did so much for Australian cricket, in fact, principally responsible for turning all Australian cricketers into a bunch of arseholes, became (ironically) a whimpering baby once it he realised that his biological clock was ticking. Cricketers were retiring all around him - David Boon, Dean Jones - yet "AB" held firm, adamant that he was waiting for the right time. Of course, there never is a "right time", and AB's exit from the game had all the timing of an American military invasion.
Although the timing wasn't too bad, Adam Gilchrist's exit from the game must be mentioned, if only for the insane degree of public adulation and drawn-out farewells that it spawned. For several months last year, Adam Gilchrist became a moral saint, the embodiment of everything that is righteous and good. Just because he has the goodness of spirit to walk from the crease when he is actually out. Although it was certainly no "low-key" retirement, Gilly can be commended for leaving the game on his own terms, as the saying goes.
Truth be told, there never is an easy time to retire. Once you've retired, you have to spend time with your wife and children, which is never an easy thing to do, especially after basking in the public limelight for so long. Who wants to go home and change the nappies of some faceless kid when you could be slapping the arse of your team-mates in the locker-rooms after the game, in some wet-towelled homoerotic fantasy? Who wants to ask, "How was your day, honey?", to a woman that may be your wife on paper, but is about as familiar to you as an excel spreadsheet?
With retirement comes reality. Sportsmen are never ready for reality. But they do need to "put food on the table for the wife and kids", so another year is always justified. Even if they don't know who their wife and kids are.
-SportingMind
Crawf is a little worried about his super funds..
"Let's head to the Men's Gallery, boys...."
Let's look at some of the worst retirements that have been carried out in recent years. Fraser Gehrig gets an honourable mention for his will he or won't he exploits, eventually retiring earlier this year after injury got the better of him. After being sent off in such style in 2007, the G-Train thought it would be a good idea to come back for another season. Overweight, injury-addled, and considerably slower than in his prime, watching Gehrig's last moments was similar to the eventual end of the Soviet Union. The odds were stacked against him, and the ending was inevitable.
Gorbachev was a big Fraser Gehrig fan..
Whilst nowhere near as bad as Gehrig's efforts, Terry Lamb gets a notable mention in that he won a grand final in 1995 - then returned for another season, in a side that had lost many players and was struggling in the midst of the Super League war. My advice to all football players? If you win a grand final, just retire. I don't care how old you are. Even if you're 18 years old, nothing, i repeat, nothing can top that euphoria. If you keep playing after that win, you're nothing but a hopeless junkie trying to re-create the ultimate high, yet never quite getting there. In fact, why not just end your life after that victory? A group suicide would be the perfect way for a victorious football team to go out in style. Together in arms - with the knowledge that you have fulfilled your reason for existence. It would also undoubtedly free up the salary cap for next season and allow for a level playing field.
"There's nothing left for us now boys, this is the ultimate high.."
Allan Border's retirement was one of the sadder moments in Australian sport. A man who did so much for Australian cricket, in fact, principally responsible for turning all Australian cricketers into a bunch of arseholes, became (ironically) a whimpering baby once it he realised that his biological clock was ticking. Cricketers were retiring all around him - David Boon, Dean Jones - yet "AB" held firm, adamant that he was waiting for the right time. Of course, there never is a "right time", and AB's exit from the game had all the timing of an American military invasion.
Although the timing wasn't too bad, Adam Gilchrist's exit from the game must be mentioned, if only for the insane degree of public adulation and drawn-out farewells that it spawned. For several months last year, Adam Gilchrist became a moral saint, the embodiment of everything that is righteous and good. Just because he has the goodness of spirit to walk from the crease when he is actually out. Although it was certainly no "low-key" retirement, Gilly can be commended for leaving the game on his own terms, as the saying goes.
In a world that is full of deceit and fraud, one man stands tall.
Truth be told, there never is an easy time to retire. Once you've retired, you have to spend time with your wife and children, which is never an easy thing to do, especially after basking in the public limelight for so long. Who wants to go home and change the nappies of some faceless kid when you could be slapping the arse of your team-mates in the locker-rooms after the game, in some wet-towelled homoerotic fantasy? Who wants to ask, "How was your day, honey?", to a woman that may be your wife on paper, but is about as familiar to you as an excel spreadsheet?
With retirement comes reality. Sportsmen are never ready for reality. But they do need to "put food on the table for the wife and kids", so another year is always justified. Even if they don't know who their wife and kids are.
-SportingMind
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Newsflash:
GILLY WALKS
Gilly's a revolutionary. Who would think that leaving NSW would enhance your chances of playing for Australia. I'll tell you. If you ask nicely.
Cheers.