Mark Planamente
NormOn The Eve Of The First Test We Look Back
July 8th 2009 01:40
On the eve of the First Test, between original combatants England and Australia, the cronies, sucks, whistle-borrowers and mindless squatters sitting in for the one true SportingMind are taking a look back through the annals of history to come up with just a few historic first test performances to whet the appetite.
1) Phil Defreitas to Michael Slater, Brisbane, 1995
The first Ian Botham had to say of his second coming: "He will need to work on his short ball outside the off stump." It was a challenge foreign-born Englishman Phillip Anthony Jason "Daffy" DeFreitas took quite literally. Approaching the crease with the rhythm of a shot dog, DeFreitas gave every indication of delivering on his rich promise. Just yards away, under a green helmet and lip-stick stained badge, the dancing feet of Australia's answer to a question we wished had never been asked were beginning to take an excessive number of steps towards adding to the cult of his personality. Enter Michael Slater. Exit English Hopes. The ball, short but not wide enough, dribbled into the ropes and the call went out for the real Ian Botham. Enter Dominic Cork. Exit Phil DeFreitas.
2) Ian Healy to Mike Gatting, Old Trafford, 1993
The soft pitches and slippery balls of English cricket are the perfect breeding grounds for exercises in military medium pacers and mean displays of dart-chucking off-breakers. Hardly surprising then that Queensland's favourite son of a bitch Ian Healy chose to return, to the scene of the crime his great-great-great grandbastard was sent to Australia for, in the position of a squatter. Standing between Healy and his meal-ticket for cricketing immortality (the next Peter Sleep) was England's answer to Henry VIII. Michael ("Mike") William Gatting. A smotherer of all things spinning and spitting, Gatting was a seasoned professional of the gravy-train known as English domestic cricket and well versed in professionalism. Healy, as the next Peter Sleep's gentle offering lobbed its way out like a total fizzer, said something to Gatting so bewlidering we still call it a mystery. Gatting Out. Robin Smith In.
3) Merv Hughes to Ian Botham, Brisbane, 1986
1986. Australian coach Bob Simpson had instructed the wayward trundlers and erratic custard-shouldered quicks of the Australian attack to implement a policy to reduce the impact of whirling bat-handler Ian Botham, in a desperate bid to regain the Ashes. Enter Mervyn Gregory Hughes. Under strict instructions to avoid a repeat of his heroic all-round efforts of 1981, Botham strode to the crease with the hopes of a nation resting on his arse. Hughes, no stranger to cow-corner himself, knew well that a bit of arse could go a long way. With a plan to test out Botham with chin-music, Australia's smallest violins harped back to 1981, and Botham rekindled painful memories of colonial misfortune. Undaunted by letting Botham reach another hundred full of it, Simmo persisted with Hughes until such as time as he dropped his guts. Exit The Ashes.
As The First Test's eve nears its end, we can expect the people involved to be tempted by thoughts of terrible events yet to take place. We pray they realise there is nothing original in going down in history as the cause of much misery. In the immortal words of everyone's favourite nudging nibbler and original Swampy Geoff Marsh: "What's one little nibble outside the off stump?"
1) Phil Defreitas to Michael Slater, Brisbane, 1995
The first Ian Botham had to say of his second coming: "He will need to work on his short ball outside the off stump." It was a challenge foreign-born Englishman Phillip Anthony Jason "Daffy" DeFreitas took quite literally. Approaching the crease with the rhythm of a shot dog, DeFreitas gave every indication of delivering on his rich promise. Just yards away, under a green helmet and lip-stick stained badge, the dancing feet of Australia's answer to a question we wished had never been asked were beginning to take an excessive number of steps towards adding to the cult of his personality. Enter Michael Slater. Exit English Hopes. The ball, short but not wide enough, dribbled into the ropes and the call went out for the real Ian Botham. Enter Dominic Cork. Exit Phil DeFreitas.
2) Ian Healy to Mike Gatting, Old Trafford, 1993
The soft pitches and slippery balls of English cricket are the perfect breeding grounds for exercises in military medium pacers and mean displays of dart-chucking off-breakers. Hardly surprising then that Queensland's favourite son of a bitch Ian Healy chose to return, to the scene of the crime his great-great-great grandbastard was sent to Australia for, in the position of a squatter. Standing between Healy and his meal-ticket for cricketing immortality (the next Peter Sleep) was England's answer to Henry VIII. Michael ("Mike") William Gatting. A smotherer of all things spinning and spitting, Gatting was a seasoned professional of the gravy-train known as English domestic cricket and well versed in professionalism. Healy, as the next Peter Sleep's gentle offering lobbed its way out like a total fizzer, said something to Gatting so bewlidering we still call it a mystery. Gatting Out. Robin Smith In.
3) Merv Hughes to Ian Botham, Brisbane, 1986
1986. Australian coach Bob Simpson had instructed the wayward trundlers and erratic custard-shouldered quicks of the Australian attack to implement a policy to reduce the impact of whirling bat-handler Ian Botham, in a desperate bid to regain the Ashes. Enter Mervyn Gregory Hughes. Under strict instructions to avoid a repeat of his heroic all-round efforts of 1981, Botham strode to the crease with the hopes of a nation resting on his arse. Hughes, no stranger to cow-corner himself, knew well that a bit of arse could go a long way. With a plan to test out Botham with chin-music, Australia's smallest violins harped back to 1981, and Botham rekindled painful memories of colonial misfortune. Undaunted by letting Botham reach another hundred full of it, Simmo persisted with Hughes until such as time as he dropped his guts. Exit The Ashes.
As The First Test's eve nears its end, we can expect the people involved to be tempted by thoughts of terrible events yet to take place. We pray they realise there is nothing original in going down in history as the cause of much misery. In the immortal words of everyone's favourite nudging nibbler and original Swampy Geoff Marsh: "What's one little nibble outside the off stump?"
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Comment by David Edwards
I'm so glad we don't have to put up with Greig and Lawry this Ashes series. I'll take David Lloyd's ramblings about Welsh scenery and the tide on the River Taff over the sheer inanity of Lawry/Greig.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Trying to write a "SportingMind" I have a whole new appreciation for just what a complete writer it takes.
Reshpect, mate.
It could be the late night coverage, but I'm finding Ian Chappell's ABC comments strangely impartial.
Must be the old country air. He's sounding like a diplomat. Perhaps, at the airport, he's picked up a case of flu, by accident. I wonder if Tony Greig knows anything about diplomatic immunity.