David Edwards
NormMy Job Application: Australian Cricket Captain
November 13th 2008 01:20
Glancing through the seek.com listings yesterday, i was startled to find an advertisement for a new Australian Cricket Captain. Intrigued, i sent a resume and cover letter to reputable recruitment agency SportsandAll, hoping to make this coveted position my own.
Cover Letter:
To whom this may concern,
I am writing in reply to the listed advertisement seeking to fill the position of Australian Cricket Captain, in which i will aspire to be an ambassador of a nation and leader of men.
I have an intricate knowledge of Australian cricketing history, and, if chosen, would aim to turn my position into a homage to the legacy of Kim Hughes. I would have no issue with selling myself out for a Rebel tour if it came along, or in orchestrating tearful press conferences when apropos.
Furthermore, i would aim to evaporate the level of hostility between India and Australia, calling for a International definition of the term "monkey". This subjective term has divided two proud nations for too long, so my initial proposal as captain would be to liaise with the ICC and create an addendum to the ICC's constitution. Once we define the term "monkey" as, for instance, "Any of various long-tailed primates(excluding the prosimians)", then things can return to working order.
I have a slight alcohol dependency which may prove to be a blessing in such an environment, whereas in my current job it is more of a secret shame. If chosen, i promise to make each and every player in the team completely alcohol dependant. It will be mandatory to have six beers after each day's play in order to increase team morale.
The advertisement states that all candidates have a strong knowledge of religion and cultural empathy. Therefore, i will let my teammates know in no uncertain terms, that wearing boardshorts in the holy temples of the sub-continent is a strict no-no, unless the boardies are below the knee. I vow to only drink the local brew of each country, in a bid to foster better relations between the Australian cricket team and the host country. Also, if any of the players pick-up a "chick" whilst on tour, i promise that it shall never escalate to group sex, and certainly never result in grainy phone-camera images of the incident. As i have always said, i have total and utter respect for women. In fact, i have several Norman Lindsay portraits in my house.
An Australian captain is expected to lead from the front. I pledge to involve myself in as many product endorsement commercials as possible, always using a cricketing pun as the slogan. For instance, if given a contract with Victa Lawnmowers, i would be featured on a huge billboard, saying "If there's grass on the wicket, it's time to play cricket." This is following the success of the anti sexual-assault campaign, spearheaded by Allan Border in the early 90s - the famous "Don't bowl a maiden over" government funded advertisement. Border was famous in the campaign for his line, "I've played a lot of cricket, and there's only one cherry i've got my eye on."
I believe my years of watching Channel 9 cricket coverage and vast experience in backyard cricket qualifies me for the position of Australian Cricket Captain. In addition, i pledge to write a cliche-laden "Tour Diary" documenting each overseas series and to lead a coup against the inclusion of Cameron White in any level of first class cricket. When i eventually retire, i will weasel my way into the mainstream media and stay there until the year 2050, as seems to be the trend.
Sincerely yours,
-SportingMind
Cover Letter:
To whom this may concern,
I am writing in reply to the listed advertisement seeking to fill the position of Australian Cricket Captain, in which i will aspire to be an ambassador of a nation and leader of men.
I have an intricate knowledge of Australian cricketing history, and, if chosen, would aim to turn my position into a homage to the legacy of Kim Hughes. I would have no issue with selling myself out for a Rebel tour if it came along, or in orchestrating tearful press conferences when apropos.
Furthermore, i would aim to evaporate the level of hostility between India and Australia, calling for a International definition of the term "monkey". This subjective term has divided two proud nations for too long, so my initial proposal as captain would be to liaise with the ICC and create an addendum to the ICC's constitution. Once we define the term "monkey" as, for instance, "Any of various long-tailed primates(excluding the prosimians)", then things can return to working order.
Cute, but it is essential we accurately define the term "monkey"..
The advertisement states that all candidates have a strong knowledge of religion and cultural empathy. Therefore, i will let my teammates know in no uncertain terms, that wearing boardshorts in the holy temples of the sub-continent is a strict no-no, unless the boardies are below the knee. I vow to only drink the local brew of each country, in a bid to foster better relations between the Australian cricket team and the host country. Also, if any of the players pick-up a "chick" whilst on tour, i promise that it shall never escalate to group sex, and certainly never result in grainy phone-camera images of the incident. As i have always said, i have total and utter respect for women. In fact, i have several Norman Lindsay portraits in my house.
One of the many Lindsay's i have up on my wall.
An Australian captain is expected to lead from the front. I pledge to involve myself in as many product endorsement commercials as possible, always using a cricketing pun as the slogan. For instance, if given a contract with Victa Lawnmowers, i would be featured on a huge billboard, saying "If there's grass on the wicket, it's time to play cricket." This is following the success of the anti sexual-assault campaign, spearheaded by Allan Border in the early 90s - the famous "Don't bowl a maiden over" government funded advertisement. Border was famous in the campaign for his line, "I've played a lot of cricket, and there's only one cherry i've got my eye on."
Dubbed "Cherry-gate", AB's famous Sexual Assault campaign..
I believe my years of watching Channel 9 cricket coverage and vast experience in backyard cricket qualifies me for the position of Australian Cricket Captain. In addition, i pledge to write a cliche-laden "Tour Diary" documenting each overseas series and to lead a coup against the inclusion of Cameron White in any level of first class cricket. When i eventually retire, i will weasel my way into the mainstream media and stay there until the year 2050, as seems to be the trend.
Sincerely yours,
-SportingMind
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Best wishes with your erstwhile endeavours and do give Mr. Rudd as a reference, but on second thoughts you may do better with Mr. Howard, he loves cricket you know.
Mr. Rudd is more into working families, you know: send the little woman out to work, let the kids bring themselves up and may dad drown himself to death with his problems.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Group sex has been proven as one of the great team bonding experiences. What brings a group of men together better than an abhorrent, coercive sexual act upon a vulnerable young woman?
Of course, i do not advocate the above statement.
I am a dismal cricketer, yet this was not listed as a required attribute on the job advertisement.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
It's a bit funny that he made a lot of ducks against the Windies but couldn't get away with saying he wasn't batting badly, he was just getting out a lot. It's because he was a recluse, I think.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
The golden curls of a stylish Kim Hughes made him first choice for the role of Lindy Chamberlain, in the 1988 film "A Cry in the Dark", which ended up starring his understudy Meryl Streep as Chamberlain. Hughes declined the role, refusing to play alongside Sam Neill - the Kiwi-born actor.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
In short, Kim Hughes recalls a bygone era when men were men and men like Hughes were dressed up to look like girls.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
The Katich movie was brilliant, but i'd like to throw the bio-pic "Mad Max" in there, depicting Max Walker's post career ramblings and bad Father's Day book releases.
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
Pop Rock Factory
Thank you for your recent application pertaining to the role of Australian Cricket Captain.
While we were impressed with your credentials - a number of other applicants appeared more suited to the role.
We wish you every success in your endeavours and would suggest that both the New Zealand and Zimbabwe sides would be well advised to seriously consider any application you may care to forward.
Best regards
Bill Lawry
PS: Surely Baz Luhrman has been approached to do a blockbuster entitled - Richie Benaud - The Movie!
Cheers
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
I have already taken up a role as strength and conditioning co-coach for the U21 Indian team, alongside Ramesh Ramasamy/Harold Holt.
That Lurhmann production has already been shot, however test screenings showed that audiences failed to respond to the ending of the film - in which Benaud forges a successful new career as Ray Warren's protege. A new ending is currently being shot by Lurhmann, with Benaud "getting the girl" and riding off into the sunset.
Playing the role of Benaud is Charles "Bud" Tingwell.