David Edwards
NormIs left-sidedness a choice?
July 18th 2009 02:38
Australian great Bill "Tiger" O'Reilly had it that left-handers should be shot and dismembered, if not killed entirely, because of the problems they posed to hard-working people like him and his partner Clarrie "The Gnome" Grimmett. Over the years, across many fields, the attempts of educators to wipe out the sinister scourge has failed to eradicate the wholly unnatural preference, with devastating results for those on the side of the right. We asked O'Reilly, a schoolteacher by trade, to choose a side that'd give us hell, and he said maybe.
1. Saeed Anwar
O'Reilly's Report: "Saeed defies every conventional orthodoxy in the book and, in trying to defend himself, makes it up as he goes along. His calling is something shocking, and it takes a lot of patience to keep him quiet. Left-handed by choice, Saeed could do with a dose of what we in the West call Liberty."
2. Sanath Jayasuriya
O'Reilly's Report: "My God, is there a more diabolical little devil that an honest toiler can see hunched over a crease than little Sanath? All of the armies of Satan have yet to meet a little darkie more their master than this dark little master of the black arse. Sinister all over, Sanath makes his arse go a long way."
3. Shivnarine Chanderpaul
O'Reilly's Report: "Shivnarine is a well-behaved student. He mostly keeps to himself, which accounts for the number of times he's been stumped. Shivnarine has all the answers. He needs to work on his questions. Popular with blind people, Shivnarine is one to watch if you like painful experiences."
4. Arjuna Ranatunga
O'Reilly's Report: "If the words 'black' and 'bastard' apply to any one student, then that pupil is the apple of Satan's eye: Arjuna. Rantunga ends with an open sound and that spells an end to the sanctity of the game. Known for scratching around in his seat and eating scabs, Arjuna has a bright future."
5. Brad Hogg
O'Reilly's Report: "Brad is a hyper-active little devil. The upside is: he's a truant. Thank God for small mercies like Brad's hopeless addiction to sniffing petrol. If it wasn't for a ready supply of petrol fumes, he would no doubt wind up in jail or writing a column in a newspaper. Keep up the good work!"
6. Wayne Phillips
O'Reilly's Report: "A joy to teach, Wayne can squat, pads and all, for minutes on end while I deliver my class. Vulnerable to violent outbursts and poor literacy skills, he has steadily improved his personal obsessions. Able to turn a biro into a lethal weapon in a matter of hours, Wayne likes Louise!"
7. Chaminda Vaas
O'Reilly's Report: "Over the years I have seen a marked change in Chaminda's ability to snap a ruler over his buttocks. Together, we have agreed to put in for a new ruler. He certainly is persuasive. Left alone, I fear that Chaminda might go on to a career as soloist. Leave him alone. There's nothing wrong with it."
8. Daniel Vettori
O'Reilly's Report: "Although benign and professorial in appearance, Daniel is without doubt one of the best students we have. He is a credit to left-handers with glasses - probably the most unnatural race of unfortunates to disgrace the planet. In years to come, we look forward to the future."
9. Mike Whitney
O'Reilly's Report: "If Mike had turned up to class less the world would be a better place right now. Coming in off a weird approach and with all the charm of a brown snake, Mike has learnt all there is to know about Space Invaders. That he thinks the graphics are cool means absolutely nothing to me."
10. Paul Adams
O'Reilly's Report: "Paul hides in the back. He's very like a malignant cancer, in that way. In other ways, he's like a deadly virus. His work is messy and he's no regard for the delicate allure of French cuisine. There's no doubt that, given a stiff beating, Paul could be made into a cake."
11. Bill O'Reilly
O'Reilly's Report: "Somebody has to keep this lot in line and Bill does a fine job. Suspect around corpses, Bill knows how to hide a murder weapon. Usually in the back or the heart or the head are his preferred hiding holes, but he really has so many choices available to him. Well done, Bill!"
12. Don Bradman
O'Reilly's Report: "Apart from a few minor indiscretions, Donald has made himself into a model of merciless determination. That I was able to squeeze him into my bed one night says how much I have appreciated his numerous romantic advances. The lesson here is that Donald knows I like chocolate."
Nobody can say for certain if Bill O'Reilly truly believes that left-handed children should be smacked around for their unnatural leanings, but according to the statistics, in the bible of cricket Wisden, left-handers are out there and they're ready to take advantage of your weaker moments. If you should see a child, in any field or park or street, picking up things with their left-hand please wash out your eyes and have a little lie down. A left-hander will see to you shortly.
1. Saeed Anwar
O'Reilly's Report: "Saeed defies every conventional orthodoxy in the book and, in trying to defend himself, makes it up as he goes along. His calling is something shocking, and it takes a lot of patience to keep him quiet. Left-handed by choice, Saeed could do with a dose of what we in the West call Liberty."
2. Sanath Jayasuriya
O'Reilly's Report: "My God, is there a more diabolical little devil that an honest toiler can see hunched over a crease than little Sanath? All of the armies of Satan have yet to meet a little darkie more their master than this dark little master of the black arse. Sinister all over, Sanath makes his arse go a long way."
3. Shivnarine Chanderpaul
O'Reilly's Report: "Shivnarine is a well-behaved student. He mostly keeps to himself, which accounts for the number of times he's been stumped. Shivnarine has all the answers. He needs to work on his questions. Popular with blind people, Shivnarine is one to watch if you like painful experiences."
4. Arjuna Ranatunga
O'Reilly's Report: "If the words 'black' and 'bastard' apply to any one student, then that pupil is the apple of Satan's eye: Arjuna. Rantunga ends with an open sound and that spells an end to the sanctity of the game. Known for scratching around in his seat and eating scabs, Arjuna has a bright future."
5. Brad Hogg
O'Reilly's Report: "Brad is a hyper-active little devil. The upside is: he's a truant. Thank God for small mercies like Brad's hopeless addiction to sniffing petrol. If it wasn't for a ready supply of petrol fumes, he would no doubt wind up in jail or writing a column in a newspaper. Keep up the good work!"
6. Wayne Phillips
O'Reilly's Report: "A joy to teach, Wayne can squat, pads and all, for minutes on end while I deliver my class. Vulnerable to violent outbursts and poor literacy skills, he has steadily improved his personal obsessions. Able to turn a biro into a lethal weapon in a matter of hours, Wayne likes Louise!"
7. Chaminda Vaas
O'Reilly's Report: "Over the years I have seen a marked change in Chaminda's ability to snap a ruler over his buttocks. Together, we have agreed to put in for a new ruler. He certainly is persuasive. Left alone, I fear that Chaminda might go on to a career as soloist. Leave him alone. There's nothing wrong with it."
8. Daniel Vettori
O'Reilly's Report: "Although benign and professorial in appearance, Daniel is without doubt one of the best students we have. He is a credit to left-handers with glasses - probably the most unnatural race of unfortunates to disgrace the planet. In years to come, we look forward to the future."
9. Mike Whitney
O'Reilly's Report: "If Mike had turned up to class less the world would be a better place right now. Coming in off a weird approach and with all the charm of a brown snake, Mike has learnt all there is to know about Space Invaders. That he thinks the graphics are cool means absolutely nothing to me."
10. Paul Adams
O'Reilly's Report: "Paul hides in the back. He's very like a malignant cancer, in that way. In other ways, he's like a deadly virus. His work is messy and he's no regard for the delicate allure of French cuisine. There's no doubt that, given a stiff beating, Paul could be made into a cake."
11. Bill O'Reilly
O'Reilly's Report: "Somebody has to keep this lot in line and Bill does a fine job. Suspect around corpses, Bill knows how to hide a murder weapon. Usually in the back or the heart or the head are his preferred hiding holes, but he really has so many choices available to him. Well done, Bill!"
12. Don Bradman
O'Reilly's Report: "Apart from a few minor indiscretions, Donald has made himself into a model of merciless determination. That I was able to squeeze him into my bed one night says how much I have appreciated his numerous romantic advances. The lesson here is that Donald knows I like chocolate."
Nobody can say for certain if Bill O'Reilly truly believes that left-handed children should be smacked around for their unnatural leanings, but according to the statistics, in the bible of cricket Wisden, left-handers are out there and they're ready to take advantage of your weaker moments. If you should see a child, in any field or park or street, picking up things with their left-hand please wash out your eyes and have a little lie down. A left-hander will see to you shortly.
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