Mark Planamente
NormEngland's Attack Sponsored by Polident
July 13th 2009 02:07
Following on from the drawn First Test in which England avoided a massive scare, POLIDENT have claimed responsibility for the attack that left Australians unable to go out. Unsurprisingly, in the light of the shock news, the attacks of the world are facing escalating interest into their sponsorship. EXCLUSIVE to SportingMind are the official intelligence reports on the sponsors of the world's worst attacks.
PAKISTAN
Official report: "On the information that we have gathered, the Pakistan attack is backed by high-ranking members within AAMI. There's nothing about their attack that isn't backed up by a replacement just as mundane or anonymous. A production-line of military medium ball-scratchers keeps their move towards maintaining a grip on mediocrity firmly planted in the national psyche. If any spasmodic moves towards individual freedom are made, officials within AAMI send somebody around and the attack is nuetralised. Despite the increased attention and lower premiums of the RACV, the Pakistani attack, with its emphasis on safety-first, remains a key resource for the smiling insurance giant."
SRI LANKA
Official report: "Despite the excellent intelligence received from operatives working within the Sri Lankan attack, the mystery that surrounds the illegal actions of the Sri Lankan attack still remains high; mostly because of the dysfunctional wing of their sponsor, Dick Smith. One thing that is apparent from within and without is that the Sri Lankan attack puts a lot of store in the actions of that one man and his electronics, myopia, chopper, and insular nationalism: Richard Harold Smith. Smith donated AU$60,000 in February 2007 towards the campaign to secure operative David Hicks who had been trained in camps held by Ashley Mallett , saying he knew Hicks 'could deliver hand-grenades'. We understand that he is also trying to get his hands on peanut butter."
NEW ZEALAND
Official report: "Much information has been collected to add to the concerns the defence department has long held that a New Zealand attack is imminent. Yet to be established is the time-frame the attack is to be delivered in, but be assured that when it comes it won't be swift. Long-held fears of a strike force capable of terrorising the lower-half of Australia's order are subsiding as the New Zealand attack gathers itself towards delivery. As it gathers itself towards delivering an attack, the lower-strata of Australia's order will need to be protected from a painfully slow death. In line with these assertions, we recommend that the impending attack be nuetralised by practising against homegrown military-medium operative Andrew MacDonald, without pads."
Based on over 25 years of research, these reports add a much needed boost to the belief that Australia is poorly equipped to survive an attack that isn't delivered by a toothless, mundane, lonely, or slow enemy. In the event of a four-pronged barrage with the capability to do serious damage to the international standing of Australia, The Defence Department endorses torture, in the form of an in-form Marcus North.
PAKISTAN
Official report: "On the information that we have gathered, the Pakistan attack is backed by high-ranking members within AAMI. There's nothing about their attack that isn't backed up by a replacement just as mundane or anonymous. A production-line of military medium ball-scratchers keeps their move towards maintaining a grip on mediocrity firmly planted in the national psyche. If any spasmodic moves towards individual freedom are made, officials within AAMI send somebody around and the attack is nuetralised. Despite the increased attention and lower premiums of the RACV, the Pakistani attack, with its emphasis on safety-first, remains a key resource for the smiling insurance giant."
SRI LANKA
Official report: "Despite the excellent intelligence received from operatives working within the Sri Lankan attack, the mystery that surrounds the illegal actions of the Sri Lankan attack still remains high; mostly because of the dysfunctional wing of their sponsor, Dick Smith. One thing that is apparent from within and without is that the Sri Lankan attack puts a lot of store in the actions of that one man and his electronics, myopia, chopper, and insular nationalism: Richard Harold Smith. Smith donated AU$60,000 in February 2007 towards the campaign to secure operative David Hicks who had been trained in camps held by Ashley Mallett , saying he knew Hicks 'could deliver hand-grenades'. We understand that he is also trying to get his hands on peanut butter."
NEW ZEALAND
Official report: "Much information has been collected to add to the concerns the defence department has long held that a New Zealand attack is imminent. Yet to be established is the time-frame the attack is to be delivered in, but be assured that when it comes it won't be swift. Long-held fears of a strike force capable of terrorising the lower-half of Australia's order are subsiding as the New Zealand attack gathers itself towards delivery. As it gathers itself towards delivering an attack, the lower-strata of Australia's order will need to be protected from a painfully slow death. In line with these assertions, we recommend that the impending attack be nuetralised by practising against homegrown military-medium operative Andrew MacDonald, without pads."
Based on over 25 years of research, these reports add a much needed boost to the belief that Australia is poorly equipped to survive an attack that isn't delivered by a toothless, mundane, lonely, or slow enemy. In the event of a four-pronged barrage with the capability to do serious damage to the international standing of Australia, The Defence Department endorses torture, in the form of an in-form Marcus North.
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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hacked!
HACKED!
ring the alarm!
we've got a situation!
Norm is the hacker!
citizens arrest!
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
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I have infiltrated this anti-cricket site.
It's all very underhanded, brothers and sisters.
Comment by Norm
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Consumption Malfunction
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Comment by David Edwards
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Morgan Bell
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