David EdwardsAn Open Letter to Todd Carney
August 8th 2008 02:34
In the tradition of NRL players and Australian sportsmen alike penning "open letters" to fans - explaining their errant off-field behaviour; SportingMind has thought it appropriate to issue an open letter to Todd Carney, in the wake of his recent shenanigans. Though this correspondence (which will be sent via Australia Post this afternoon), SportingMind hopes to reach out to Mr Carney and offer him practical advice - constructive criticism that aims to help the young man, whilst other media pundits aim for the proverbial jugular.
Letter to Todd Carney
9th August 2008
Todd Carney
(Address not supplied)
Fyshwick, ACT, 2609.
Dear Todd,
Firstly let me offer my sincere condolences regarding the recent termination of your contract by the Canberra Raiders Board. I wholeheartedly agree with you on the point you raise pertaining to how the incident sparked a "witch hunt" of sorts regarding your personal life. I actually took your advice and "googled" your name last week, only to be re-directed to a dubious looking website with the url of goldenshowerdelights.org.au. Clearly things have gotten out of hand and i am the first to empathise with your plight.
However, assuming you are intending to "straighten" out your act, i have a number of suggestions that you might take heed from. This critical juncture in your life must be capitalised on by doing what is best for Todd Carney, so please understand that none of these suggestions are by any means a side-swipe at your past indiscretions.
1)You must firstly trade your V8 Monaro in for a BMX mountain bike. This is as much a PR stunt as well as a positive, environmentally friendly alternative to fuel consumption.
2) A possibility would be for you to take this bike over to the mountainous French alps - and soak up the delights of the French Riviera with SBW, who by all accounts has become quite the Francophile of late. Canberra nightclubs will teach you nothing but bad toilet ettiquette, current street names for class-A drugs, and exposure to the delightful world of STD's. Best head to Toulon and trade in the Industrie hoodies for a charcoal turtle-neck, swap the doner kebabs for some foie gras, and most importantly - trade the Aussie draft beer for a deep appreciation of full-bodied red wine.
3) Disregard the temptation to play in the English "Super League". This vile competition is full of louts and nincompoops; pot-bellied, 32 year old dummy-halves and the entire back-catalog of the Auckland (sic) Warriors playing roster. Gorging yourself on pints of Stella whilst cheering 2nd division football teams in Australian themed bars is no road to recovery, but instead an accurate account of an Andrew Johns evening in London, sans the obligatory "zinger". In short - avoid England.
4) Why not turn to religion? If World Youth Week taught us anything, it is that people who are devoutly religious are better than us. Therefore jump on this bandwagon whilst you can, and repent harder than you've ever repented before. Look at Israel Folau - what a prime example of a kid with his priorities in check. Guy Sebastian, Dean Geyer, ditto.
5) Of course you could go back to your community roots - perhaps immersing yourself in the self-satisfaction of coaching an Under 12's league team to a Grand Final victory would give you a sense of worth - but make sure you don't get carried away on their "Mad Monday" if you indeed do take them all the way. Another option would be a GAP year, perhaps building a village in Tanzania, teaching English to impoverished Ghanians, or even walking the Inca trail. You need to spiritually re-enlighten yourself - 2009 is the year where you change your habits and turn over a new leaf. You may have noticed that throughout this letter i have inserted key cliches for maximum effect. Keep your chin up.
Let it be known however, that whilst i support you as a player - what you did to that patron in "All Bar Nun" was nothing short of abhorrent. Personally, i would rather sit through back-to-back episodes of "Two and a Half Men" than be urinated on, such is my disgust for what you have done. However i believe you can change, Todd, and this is why i passionately scribe this letter to you.
Send my best wishes to your mother as well.
Yours with all sincerity,
-SportingMind
Letter to Todd Carney
9th August 2008
(Address not supplied)
Fyshwick, ACT, 2609.
Dear Todd,
Firstly let me offer my sincere condolences regarding the recent termination of your contract by the Canberra Raiders Board. I wholeheartedly agree with you on the point you raise pertaining to how the incident sparked a "witch hunt" of sorts regarding your personal life. I actually took your advice and "googled" your name last week, only to be re-directed to a dubious looking website with the url of goldenshowerdelights.org.au. Clearly things have gotten out of hand and i am the first to empathise with your plight.
However, assuming you are intending to "straighten" out your act, i have a number of suggestions that you might take heed from. This critical juncture in your life must be capitalised on by doing what is best for Todd Carney, so please understand that none of these suggestions are by any means a side-swipe at your past indiscretions.
1)You must firstly trade your V8 Monaro in for a BMX mountain bike. This is as much a PR stunt as well as a positive, environmentally friendly alternative to fuel consumption.
2) A possibility would be for you to take this bike over to the mountainous French alps - and soak up the delights of the French Riviera with SBW, who by all accounts has become quite the Francophile of late. Canberra nightclubs will teach you nothing but bad toilet ettiquette, current street names for class-A drugs, and exposure to the delightful world of STD's. Best head to Toulon and trade in the Industrie hoodies for a charcoal turtle-neck, swap the doner kebabs for some foie gras, and most importantly - trade the Aussie draft beer for a deep appreciation of full-bodied red wine.
3) Disregard the temptation to play in the English "Super League". This vile competition is full of louts and nincompoops; pot-bellied, 32 year old dummy-halves and the entire back-catalog of the Auckland (sic) Warriors playing roster. Gorging yourself on pints of Stella whilst cheering 2nd division football teams in Australian themed bars is no road to recovery, but instead an accurate account of an Andrew Johns evening in London, sans the obligatory "zinger". In short - avoid England.
4) Why not turn to religion? If World Youth Week taught us anything, it is that people who are devoutly religious are better than us. Therefore jump on this bandwagon whilst you can, and repent harder than you've ever repented before. Look at Israel Folau - what a prime example of a kid with his priorities in check. Guy Sebastian, Dean Geyer, ditto.
5) Of course you could go back to your community roots - perhaps immersing yourself in the self-satisfaction of coaching an Under 12's league team to a Grand Final victory would give you a sense of worth - but make sure you don't get carried away on their "Mad Monday" if you indeed do take them all the way. Another option would be a GAP year, perhaps building a village in Tanzania, teaching English to impoverished Ghanians, or even walking the Inca trail. You need to spiritually re-enlighten yourself - 2009 is the year where you change your habits and turn over a new leaf. You may have noticed that throughout this letter i have inserted key cliches for maximum effect. Keep your chin up.
Let it be known however, that whilst i support you as a player - what you did to that patron in "All Bar Nun" was nothing short of abhorrent. Personally, i would rather sit through back-to-back episodes of "Two and a Half Men" than be urinated on, such is my disgust for what you have done. However i believe you can change, Todd, and this is why i passionately scribe this letter to you.
Send my best wishes to your mother as well.
Yours with all sincerity,
-SportingMind
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