David Edwards
NormAn exclusive interview with Phil Gould
March 9th 2009 12:03
The N.R.L. simply cannot take a trick. Moments after unveiling an indulgent new ad campaign, the sport once again found itself embroiled in controversy. As such, it was only a matter of time before rugby league's greatest puritan, Phil Gould, stood-up and offered us a heavy serving of his rarely requested opinion. Chief rugby league reporter, SportingMind, caught up with Phil Gould last night for a three course dinner and in-depth discussion on the future of rugby league.
SportingMind: Phil Gould, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Phil Gould: A pleasure, SportingMind. And may I say I am a fan of your earlier work. Why haven't you been posting recently? I mean, what's the deal, man?
SM: Quite simply, I have been waiting for a scandalous story such as this to come along and tickle my curiosity. Voyeuristic as it seems, nothing stirs the public imagination quite like an alleged sexual assault. It is my job to document and satirise such events.
PG: Ah, I see.
SM: So, what next for the N.R.L? It simply cannot take a trick. In recent times we have had everything, ranging from gang rape allegations all the way to innocuous wife-beating incidents; every day there is something new. Shall we just write it off as a "boys will be boys" thing and be done with it, or is this latest incident worthy of such media attention?
PG: Its all because of the drink - the blasted drink! The devil's drop, that's what I call it. Look, I understand that blokes love to unwind after a hard training session, that's just human nature. But when did smashing eight beers spark an insatiable desire for sex? We've got to ban the bottle from these players because its the only way that these sorts of incidents will stop. You might have read an article I wrote last year, in which I called for an N.R.L-wide ban on alcohol. This is the solution, SportingMind.
SM: But wouldn't a competition-wide ban on alcohol be a denial of simple human rights? It is, arguably, only a small majority of players that have a drinking problem, so why should the rest of the players be discriminated against?
PG: Ah, SportingMind. You are so young, so naive, so idealistic. I remember when I was your age. I used to hold a strong belief in the inherent goodness of humanity. That changed after I spent several years abroad, studying human nature. I saw the tragic suppression of Tibetan culture first-hand. I watched in disbelief at the insidious behaviour of the Burmese military - how they could treat Aung San Suu Kyi like that is beyond me. I watched Kim Il-sung implement a social control unlike no other in North Korea; and I cried as the vindictive Robert Mugabe smothered his political opposition and led Zimbabwe from being a land of possibilities to an impossible land. Oh, I have seen the worst human rights injustices, SportingMind! And while I believe in democracy, oh how i do, I think that sometimes you must fight fire with fire. All of the regimes that I just listed are abhorrent, despicable, without peer. But a limited social control in the form of banning alcohol is something that we must do to protect the civilians in our society.
SM: I was unaware that you were such a vocal advocate of civil liberties. Actually, I thought you had simply played football your whole life, and once your playing career ended, you headed into coaching. And didn't you then go straight into broadcasting after your coaching career ended?
PG: No, no. Some people have me pegged as a pig-headed, arrogant fool, I admit that. But I am actually a card-carrying member of the Labor Party and an environmental activist to boot. I've seen first hand the squalid conditions of Indian shanty towns and actually spent one off-season ordaining myself as a Buddhist monk, during a footy trip to Phnom Penh. I've traveled to the Northern Territory only to see the terrible effects that alcohol can have on communities. Booze is something that we can all do without, and for the NRL to prosper, the drinking culture must be stamped out.
SM: If we can just dig a bit further there, Gus, why is it, do you think, that footy players need to drink such copious amounts of alcohol? Personally, I find that one or two glasses of Shiraz accompanied by a good Monday night ABC documentary is just as fulfilling as an eight-hour sex marathon full of debauchery - and believe me, I've tried both. Is this desire to please one's mates a product of the game itself, or do we blame Australian male culture for this spike in sexual assaults?
PG: Look, it could well be the game itself. I think the six-tackle rule has something to do with it. Statistics have shown that since the limited tackle count was introduced, reported sexual assaults have increased dramatically. But I hear what you are saying about male culture. Blokes will always try and "one-up" each other, and when a woman comes into the fold, things are bound to escalate. If one bloke gets a pash from a bird, another will try and pull a root. If said bloke does pull a root, another bloke will want to bag two sheilas... and so on, until... sorry, I'm all out of colloquialisms. But you get what I mean. If we get rid of alcohol, we can go back to the days of courtship. I remember when I met my wife, Ingrid. It was at a country-club ball, out in the Hunter Valley. I bought her a corsage and drove her home at 9 p.m. Eventually, I asked her old man for her hand a couple of months later. Those were the days. Now a first "date" for a footballer involves text-messages, schooners at the Caxton Hotel and a cheeky public urination. That's another thing, mobile phones... I'm bloody si...
SM: (cutting him short) Well said, Gus. Ah, finally, our main course has arrived. Your pork belly looks scrumptious, I must say; although I'm sure my steaming mushroom risotto will hit the spot. Tell me, why did you choose this particular restaurant?
PG: I've been coming here for years. I just love the thrill of being in a bustling restaurant during peak service times. I try to always eat out on the eve of a commentary "call", as I find it gets the juices flowing. Plus, I love the three course format. A good entree is a form of foreplay: offering a taste of what is yet to come.
SM: Wow, that's quite a metaphor. So I suppose that chocolate hotpot you are eyeing off on the dessert menu will be the proverbial post-coital cigarette, something to languidly draw upon with utmost contentment?
PG: Kudos to you for splitting the infinitive so effortlessly, SportingMind. Did I mention I haven't had sex in sixteen years?
SM: I thought it was just a given. Just getting back to your commentary gig with Channel Nine, of which you have developed quite a cult following: can we expect any more choice catch-phrases this year? Last year it was, "yeah baby", what will it be this season? (waits expectantly)
PG: "Yeah baby" was one of my best phrases to day. It was one of those spur of the moment things, something I just blurted out once - then repeatedly - eventually leading to it becoming a critical soundbyte in ensuring Channel Nine ratings. I've been mulling a few things over, and yes, I have a few that I think will work.
SM: Please, indulge me.
PG: Well, I haven't got any words as yet, just a series of grunts and whistles. Perhaps "No no no no NO", oh wait, I've already used that one a bit... how about "I love this game"? Actually, no, I've used that too. Shit, I'm out of material. I guess I could just wax on about how great state of origin is, or how useless video-referees are. That stuff never gets old.
SM: Never mind. And finally, who will win the competition this year? Please don't say the Roosters, you filthy, biased man.
PG: Haha, SportingMind. That must be the Sauvignon Blanc talking. I'd really prefer it if you didn't insult me, mate. I actually think the Broncos are a good chance this year. As for the wooden spoon, I think the Raiders are a shoe-in this year. They just have the worst playing roster, and I simply don't rate them. I am aware that I say this every year and they manage to string together enough wins to scrape into 9th or 10th position, but I just think they are far too untalented to rise above the bottom of the ladder.
SM: Thanks, Gus. You are a footy icon and it has been a privilege to interview you.
PG: (licking his dessert spoon, suggestively) Cheers, mate.
-SportingMind
SportingMind: Phil Gould, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Phil Gould: A pleasure, SportingMind. And may I say I am a fan of your earlier work. Why haven't you been posting recently? I mean, what's the deal, man?
SM: Quite simply, I have been waiting for a scandalous story such as this to come along and tickle my curiosity. Voyeuristic as it seems, nothing stirs the public imagination quite like an alleged sexual assault. It is my job to document and satirise such events.
PG: Ah, I see.
SM: So, what next for the N.R.L? It simply cannot take a trick. In recent times we have had everything, ranging from gang rape allegations all the way to innocuous wife-beating incidents; every day there is something new. Shall we just write it off as a "boys will be boys" thing and be done with it, or is this latest incident worthy of such media attention?
PG: Its all because of the drink - the blasted drink! The devil's drop, that's what I call it. Look, I understand that blokes love to unwind after a hard training session, that's just human nature. But when did smashing eight beers spark an insatiable desire for sex? We've got to ban the bottle from these players because its the only way that these sorts of incidents will stop. You might have read an article I wrote last year, in which I called for an N.R.L-wide ban on alcohol. This is the solution, SportingMind.
SM: But wouldn't a competition-wide ban on alcohol be a denial of simple human rights? It is, arguably, only a small majority of players that have a drinking problem, so why should the rest of the players be discriminated against?
PG: Ah, SportingMind. You are so young, so naive, so idealistic. I remember when I was your age. I used to hold a strong belief in the inherent goodness of humanity. That changed after I spent several years abroad, studying human nature. I saw the tragic suppression of Tibetan culture first-hand. I watched in disbelief at the insidious behaviour of the Burmese military - how they could treat Aung San Suu Kyi like that is beyond me. I watched Kim Il-sung implement a social control unlike no other in North Korea; and I cried as the vindictive Robert Mugabe smothered his political opposition and led Zimbabwe from being a land of possibilities to an impossible land. Oh, I have seen the worst human rights injustices, SportingMind! And while I believe in democracy, oh how i do, I think that sometimes you must fight fire with fire. All of the regimes that I just listed are abhorrent, despicable, without peer. But a limited social control in the form of banning alcohol is something that we must do to protect the civilians in our society.
SM: I was unaware that you were such a vocal advocate of civil liberties. Actually, I thought you had simply played football your whole life, and once your playing career ended, you headed into coaching. And didn't you then go straight into broadcasting after your coaching career ended?
PG: No, no. Some people have me pegged as a pig-headed, arrogant fool, I admit that. But I am actually a card-carrying member of the Labor Party and an environmental activist to boot. I've seen first hand the squalid conditions of Indian shanty towns and actually spent one off-season ordaining myself as a Buddhist monk, during a footy trip to Phnom Penh. I've traveled to the Northern Territory only to see the terrible effects that alcohol can have on communities. Booze is something that we can all do without, and for the NRL to prosper, the drinking culture must be stamped out.
SM: If we can just dig a bit further there, Gus, why is it, do you think, that footy players need to drink such copious amounts of alcohol? Personally, I find that one or two glasses of Shiraz accompanied by a good Monday night ABC documentary is just as fulfilling as an eight-hour sex marathon full of debauchery - and believe me, I've tried both. Is this desire to please one's mates a product of the game itself, or do we blame Australian male culture for this spike in sexual assaults?
PG: Look, it could well be the game itself. I think the six-tackle rule has something to do with it. Statistics have shown that since the limited tackle count was introduced, reported sexual assaults have increased dramatically. But I hear what you are saying about male culture. Blokes will always try and "one-up" each other, and when a woman comes into the fold, things are bound to escalate. If one bloke gets a pash from a bird, another will try and pull a root. If said bloke does pull a root, another bloke will want to bag two sheilas... and so on, until... sorry, I'm all out of colloquialisms. But you get what I mean. If we get rid of alcohol, we can go back to the days of courtship. I remember when I met my wife, Ingrid. It was at a country-club ball, out in the Hunter Valley. I bought her a corsage and drove her home at 9 p.m. Eventually, I asked her old man for her hand a couple of months later. Those were the days. Now a first "date" for a footballer involves text-messages, schooners at the Caxton Hotel and a cheeky public urination. That's another thing, mobile phones... I'm bloody si...
SM: (cutting him short) Well said, Gus. Ah, finally, our main course has arrived. Your pork belly looks scrumptious, I must say; although I'm sure my steaming mushroom risotto will hit the spot. Tell me, why did you choose this particular restaurant?
PG: I've been coming here for years. I just love the thrill of being in a bustling restaurant during peak service times. I try to always eat out on the eve of a commentary "call", as I find it gets the juices flowing. Plus, I love the three course format. A good entree is a form of foreplay: offering a taste of what is yet to come.
SM: Wow, that's quite a metaphor. So I suppose that chocolate hotpot you are eyeing off on the dessert menu will be the proverbial post-coital cigarette, something to languidly draw upon with utmost contentment?
PG: Kudos to you for splitting the infinitive so effortlessly, SportingMind. Did I mention I haven't had sex in sixteen years?
SM: I thought it was just a given. Just getting back to your commentary gig with Channel Nine, of which you have developed quite a cult following: can we expect any more choice catch-phrases this year? Last year it was, "yeah baby", what will it be this season? (waits expectantly)
PG: "Yeah baby" was one of my best phrases to day. It was one of those spur of the moment things, something I just blurted out once - then repeatedly - eventually leading to it becoming a critical soundbyte in ensuring Channel Nine ratings. I've been mulling a few things over, and yes, I have a few that I think will work.
SM: Please, indulge me.
PG: Well, I haven't got any words as yet, just a series of grunts and whistles. Perhaps "No no no no NO", oh wait, I've already used that one a bit... how about "I love this game"? Actually, no, I've used that too. Shit, I'm out of material. I guess I could just wax on about how great state of origin is, or how useless video-referees are. That stuff never gets old.
SM: Never mind. And finally, who will win the competition this year? Please don't say the Roosters, you filthy, biased man.
PG: Haha, SportingMind. That must be the Sauvignon Blanc talking. I'd really prefer it if you didn't insult me, mate. I actually think the Broncos are a good chance this year. As for the wooden spoon, I think the Raiders are a shoe-in this year. They just have the worst playing roster, and I simply don't rate them. I am aware that I say this every year and they manage to string together enough wins to scrape into 9th or 10th position, but I just think they are far too untalented to rise above the bottom of the ladder.
SM: Thanks, Gus. You are a footy icon and it has been a privilege to interview you.
PG: (licking his dessert spoon, suggestively) Cheers, mate.
-SportingMind
| 52 |
| Vote |
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
What sort of player was he, this Phil Gould?
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind