David EdwardsA dissertation - Why John Howard must be the next Australian Cricket Captain
October 23rd 2008 00:38
What Australian cricket needs right now is a statesman. In a time of instability, we need a clear thinker, one who is prepared to put the country at ease through strong words and even stronger actions. A war-time cricket captain, in the spirit of former P.M. John Curtin, if nothing else. That said, we should "look to India as our future", just as Curtin once said - but in reference to the emerging U.S.
SportingMind has a number of suggestions on how to kickstart our cricket team again. This policy paper will address the decline in Australian cricket, offering possible alternatives to the status quo:
1. A government "bail-out" of the cricket team. The Australian government will buy out all the "bad cricketers" and replace them with "good cricketers", therefore putting the community at ease. This will help kickstart our domestic competition as well, which has been rather lacklustre of late. State cricketers have been playing dreadfully, due to the fear that they might accidentally get picked for Australia if they play too well. Obviously, there will be short term pain, as this is a systemic problem that can only be fixed through swift government intervention. I will propose these "good cricketers" in my next three points.
2. An unwritten agreement with India on the issue of child trafficking. While obviously banned by international law, Australia should look to undertake a covert operation in India this month. It is commonly known that Indians have the ability to apply "reverse swing" to a cricket ball, something that Australians are inherently incapable of. Special attention must be paid also to the Sikh community, with turbans being a pre-requisite for quality off-spin bowling. As thanks for the Indian government's acquiescence, we will offer them Brett Lee - to keep. By stealing a host of teenagers from the streets of India, the government would be covering all bases: providing a future for Australian cricket, increasing the Indian population in Australia, and - most poignantly - offering a delicious appropriation on the "Stolen Generation" policy during the mid 20th Century. This intervention would be given the slightly patronising title: "Little Cricketers are Sacred".
3. Ponting must go. Sad as it is to say - and as ludicrous as the suggestion may be - we need someone who is going to say and do the right things for our country. This is why John Howard must be sworn in as Australian cricket captain, immediately. Howard has proven international experience, something that is sorely needed as captain of our team. He would handle the post-match press conferences with aplomb and would be a brilliant tactician. Of course, we would not be able to have him on the tour of England, for fear that he may bend over out of respect to the motherland - in which case we would have to swap him for the ageing Gough Whitlam or Paul Keating.
Howard could be the answer to our spinning woes too, with Kerry O'Keefe once quoted as saying that Howard "has a technically perfect off-spinning action". The overused file footage of Howard attempting to bowl a tennis ball at an Australian army medical camp in Kashmir copped a lot of criticism; for the ball unfortunately got stuck in his hand at the release point, dribbling to the ground embarrassingly to guffaws of laughter. Sure, the ball might have only gone one metre, but did you see how much it turned? The fact that he was bowling in Kashmir demonstrates that he already has experience bowling on the subcontinent, which is more than could be said for Jason Krezja or Bryce McGain. In fact, Howard should have been the first choice spinner for the Indian tour. He'd probably have a bagful of wickets by now.
4. An extreme option would be the multiple cloning of Simon Katich. This experimental exercise could create a hardened team that has tasted the ups and downs of international cricket. Although there would be some issues with the bowling attack being slightly predictable, the sheer dogged nature of eleven Simon Katich's would mean that there would be no need for bowling - with the aim obviously being to bat out the whole 5 days - forcing every test match for the next 6 years to be a draw. During this time, the "Little Cricketers are Scared" policy would be in full swing and ready to be enacted. The Katich interim period would be a dour era in Australian cricket, but a necessary evil nonetheless.
The above suggestions are offered as a solution to a growing problem. Australian selectors must resist the urge to rush back Andrew Symonds or Shaun Tait, for this will only bring short term relief. Government interventions and long-term policies are the key to remaining number one in the world cricket peking order.
-SportingMind
Curtin - just the type of steely resolve that Australian cricket needs right now.
SportingMind has a number of suggestions on how to kickstart our cricket team again. This policy paper will address the decline in Australian cricket, offering possible alternatives to the status quo:
1. A government "bail-out" of the cricket team. The Australian government will buy out all the "bad cricketers" and replace them with "good cricketers", therefore putting the community at ease. This will help kickstart our domestic competition as well, which has been rather lacklustre of late. State cricketers have been playing dreadfully, due to the fear that they might accidentally get picked for Australia if they play too well. Obviously, there will be short term pain, as this is a systemic problem that can only be fixed through swift government intervention. I will propose these "good cricketers" in my next three points.
The Cricketing "Bail-out" - SportingMind's worst play on words yet..
2. An unwritten agreement with India on the issue of child trafficking. While obviously banned by international law, Australia should look to undertake a covert operation in India this month. It is commonly known that Indians have the ability to apply "reverse swing" to a cricket ball, something that Australians are inherently incapable of. Special attention must be paid also to the Sikh community, with turbans being a pre-requisite for quality off-spin bowling. As thanks for the Indian government's acquiescence, we will offer them Brett Lee - to keep. By stealing a host of teenagers from the streets of India, the government would be covering all bases: providing a future for Australian cricket, increasing the Indian population in Australia, and - most poignantly - offering a delicious appropriation on the "Stolen Generation" policy during the mid 20th Century. This intervention would be given the slightly patronising title: "Little Cricketers are Sacred".
The kid on the left will open the bowling for Australia in 2014...
3. Ponting must go. Sad as it is to say - and as ludicrous as the suggestion may be - we need someone who is going to say and do the right things for our country. This is why John Howard must be sworn in as Australian cricket captain, immediately. Howard has proven international experience, something that is sorely needed as captain of our team. He would handle the post-match press conferences with aplomb and would be a brilliant tactician. Of course, we would not be able to have him on the tour of England, for fear that he may bend over out of respect to the motherland - in which case we would have to swap him for the ageing Gough Whitlam or Paul Keating.
Howard could be the answer to our spinning woes too, with Kerry O'Keefe once quoted as saying that Howard "has a technically perfect off-spinning action". The overused file footage of Howard attempting to bowl a tennis ball at an Australian army medical camp in Kashmir copped a lot of criticism; for the ball unfortunately got stuck in his hand at the release point, dribbling to the ground embarrassingly to guffaws of laughter. Sure, the ball might have only gone one metre, but did you see how much it turned? The fact that he was bowling in Kashmir demonstrates that he already has experience bowling on the subcontinent, which is more than could be said for Jason Krezja or Bryce McGain. In fact, Howard should have been the first choice spinner for the Indian tour. He'd probably have a bagful of wickets by now.
"Technically, he is perfect"...
4. An extreme option would be the multiple cloning of Simon Katich. This experimental exercise could create a hardened team that has tasted the ups and downs of international cricket. Although there would be some issues with the bowling attack being slightly predictable, the sheer dogged nature of eleven Simon Katich's would mean that there would be no need for bowling - with the aim obviously being to bat out the whole 5 days - forcing every test match for the next 6 years to be a draw. During this time, the "Little Cricketers are Scared" policy would be in full swing and ready to be enacted. The Katich interim period would be a dour era in Australian cricket, but a necessary evil nonetheless.
The future face(s) of Australian cricket..
The above suggestions are offered as a solution to a growing problem. Australian selectors must resist the urge to rush back Andrew Symonds or Shaun Tait, for this will only bring short term relief. Government interventions and long-term policies are the key to remaining number one in the world cricket peking order.
-SportingMind
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Like Katich, I'm beside myself with this one.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Holt then decided to take a short flight to India, where he was utilised as a strength and conditioning coach for young cricketers, eventually working his way up the ranks to the national team. He has been credited for the emergence of Tendulkar, Dravid, and Ganguly.
He now lives under an assumed Indian name; Ravesh Ramasamy - and is considered a national treasure.
Australian P.M's have always had a bit of cricket in them.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
I meant pecking order. But i'll pass it off as a Harold Holt reference.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by sportsbar
Sports Bar
Fret X
No wonder pitches in India turn so much with the like's of Norm's Wise-Cracks only escalating the problem... lol
I'm sure Mike Hussey would also love to be involved in the cloning process. In the spirit of Team America "Matt Damon'
"Mr Criiiiicket" I can see it now...
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Trevor Chappell
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
I don't think there would be any better way to "rough up" the ball to get that reverse swing happening.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
But it's all really good fun, isn't it? Oh, sorry, I do beg your pardon, I didn't realize you were serious. Please excuse my misunderstanding.