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Sporting Mind - July 2009

Tour de France - the final word..

July 27th 2009 11:08
Well, the 2009 Tour de France has finally ended, leaving thousands of sleep-deprived Lycra fetishists to catch up on some sorely needed rest.

It is around this time every year that people pretend to give a shit about cycling for one month in a shameless attempt to do the following: use French words such as pelaton, pass ill-informed gay comments about the sheer romanticism of the French countryside, and make awkward water-cooler conversation with co-workers while feigning interest on the stage progress and “yellow jersey” aspirations of a bunch of ‘roided-up nobodies in a “sport” no-one really gives a fuck about. Too harsh? Probably.


As a former Tour de France contender, SportingMind braved the tough French Alps on several occasions. I know exactly how hard it is to get up each morning and ride 40km up an implausibly steep mountain, when you would much prefer to be picking grapes in one of the many delightful boutique vineyards that southern France has to offer. When all you feel like doing is checking into a gorgeous little off-the-track Bed and Breakfast, ordering a crispy brioche and cafe au lait and amusing the owner’s 15-year-old daughter with your basic knowledge gleaned from a French phrase book. By Jesus, it's extraordinarily hard work, but there's something deep inside each competitor that powers them on to the finish line: anabolic steroids.

But there’s no denying that Le Tour is a hell of a spectacle. And while Australia’s top cyclist Cadel Evans had a terrible time this tour, I still respect everything he stands for. He is possibly the surliest, strangest and most unmarketable sportsman Australia has to offer, but he just doesn’t give a shit about what people think of him. And I dig that.


-SportingMind
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Is left-sidedness a choice?

July 18th 2009 02:38
Australian great Bill "Tiger" O'Reilly had it that left-handers should be shot and dismembered, if not killed entirely, because of the problems they posed to hard-working people like him and his partner Clarrie "The Gnome" Grimmett. Over the years, across many fields, the attempts of educators to wipe out the sinister scourge has failed to eradicate the wholly unnatural preference, with devastating results for those on the side of the right. We asked O'Reilly, a schoolteacher by trade, to choose a side that'd give us hell, and he said maybe.

1. Saeed Anwar
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Following on from the drawn First Test in which England avoided a massive scare, POLIDENT have claimed responsibility for the attack that left Australians unable to go out. Unsurprisingly, in the light of the shock news, the attacks of the world are facing escalating interest into their sponsorship. EXCLUSIVE to SportingMind are the official intelligence reports on the sponsors of the world's worst attacks.

PAKISTAN
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In time for the latest tour our dutiful careerists and vainglorious nationalists are taking part in so that we can enjoy the freedom our republic affords, the medication developed by specialists at Pfizer as a cure for insomnia, Steve Waugh has released "The Pocket Edition of Steve Waugh's Tour Diaries", available for the first time here in digital format.

The Ashes, Iraq, 1989
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On the eve of the First Test, between original combatants England and Australia, the cronies, sucks, whistle-borrowers and mindless squatters sitting in for the one true SportingMind are taking a look back through the annals of history to come up with just a few historic first test performances to whet the appetite.

1) Phil Defreitas to Michael Slater, Brisbane, 1995
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Now that Roger Federer has eclipsed Pete Sampras as the holder of the most Grand Slam final's victories, and with a looming depression that inevitably follows such an achievement, the typists, hacks, pen-pushers, mean-spirited meanies and genial gents at SportingMind have pooled their collective knowledge of dangerous slumps to arrive at the conclusion that Roger Federer faces his greatest enemy, and potentially life threateniing adversary, what living legend Michael Jackson describes as: "the man in the mirror".

We typists, hacks, bloggers, committed professionals, hopeless alcoholics paying off a mortgage to a house their divorced wife now resides in with a former business partner and his anatomically alarming characteristics, and seasoned scribblers here at The Mind, looking into our hearts like that brave Irish idiot Gabriel Byrne in Miller's Crossing, have come up with a couple of examples of those who have gone willingly down the road to the undiscovered country in topping themselves in the pursuit of self-destruction


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The most over-rated player to ever strut before a wanton nymph, in even the most contented of winters, SportingMind has pulled what club-footed doctors are describing as "something we didn't even know existed", namely a heart muscle, and has been sent to specialists in Melbourne who treated Nick Riewoldt's hair for further testing of your already frayed nerves.

His replacement, naturally enough, has been lauded by conservative right-wingers as: "a return to the past, and that has to be a step in the right direction", and has left those in the business of massaging your ego with their hands full of it, after reports resurfaced of SportingMind's replacement's attempts to tackle going forward without putting a knock on the code of Rugby League
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