David Edwards
Norm2008: SportingMind's Team of the Year
December 10th 2008 00:40
As we worm ever so close to the holiday season, the time has come to congratulate the Australian sporting stars that hit the headlines this year. SportingMind has released the official "Team of 2008", documenting those who courted controversy and ruffled the feathers of public consciousness.
SportingMind's class of 2008:
Sonny Bill Williams
Possibly the story of the year. The troubled Bulldog broke his contract and fled to Toulon, sparking vitriol on NRL internet message boards across the country. SportingMind was fortunate enough to catch up with the fugitive footballer earlier this year, conducting an interview over a lovely degustation menu at upmarket restaurant Taillevent. SportingMind has sent SBW a gift of appreciation: a Sauternes botrytis dessert wine, direct from the Bordeaux region. I'm sure he will be suitably impressed.
Andrew Symonds
What can I say. One of SportingMind's favourite subjects, a muscular rogue who - in typical bad-ass style - opted to go fishing instead of reporting to cricket training. A man who gets into more bar-room brawls than Chuck Norris, Symonds's crowning moment in 2008 involved that obnoxious little weed, Harbajan Singh. Banana-gate, as it has been dubbed, sparked a melt-down for Symonds, as he struggled to cope with the repercussions of being (allegedly) called a monkey. During 2008 he also attracted the highest bidding by an Indian Premier League, earning a cool 1.6 million dollars for a few games of hit and giggle. SportingMind hopes that Symonds checks his stocking this year, for the "Best of Bananarama" CD is coming his way. Let’s hope that 2009 brings some more of that “monkey-magic” from Australia’s favourite primate.
Stanley Gene
One of the greatest sporting cult figures, Stanley Gene hung up his boots this year after PNG were bundled out of the Rugby League World Cup. At the age of 79, Gene decided it was time to give the game away and concentrate on survival. Fair enough too, seeing that he had already outlived the life-expectancy of male Papuans by about 40 years. Nevertheless, Gene reminded us all that sport is not about whether you win or lose, but whether you make the viewer feel all warm and fuzzy. And this fuzzy wuzzy angel certainly did that.
John Howard
After suffering the ignominy of losing his own seat of Bennelong to an ABC journalist, Howard turned his attention to mastering the art of off-spin bowling. In secret sessions at the SCG indoor cricket nets, Howard has reportedly developed a doosra that is undetectable to any batsman. With the help of ex-Australian off-spinner Gavin Robertson, Howard has changed his technique to be more front-on, incorporating a stronger follow-through, and, in the words of Howard himself, “getting more revs on the ball”.
Barry Hall
Big bad Barry just got badder by the minute in 2008. His crushing blow to Brent Staker prompted psychiatrists to try to understand just why he did it? As a matter of fact, Barry suffers from a complex rage disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). Through a program of extensive cognitive therapy, Barry should be all good for 2009, sans brain explosions.
Todd Carney
Todd Carney, the ex-Raiders five-eighth, shocked the sporting fraternity when he was discovered to have urinated on a patron in a Canberra night-club. The story made headlines world-wide, with Carney fending off a lucrative contract with porn website "goldenshowers.com" and an offer of a guest vocal appearance on R.Kelly's new album. For his kind aquiescence in 2008, SportingMind has express-posted Carney a gift certificate for a urinary incontinence check-up. Merry Xmas, Todd.
Greg Bird
Bird gets a Guernsey for (allegedly) glassing his girlfriend in the eye and then blaming it on his friend, proving that he is both a great catch AND a top mate. SportingMind sympathised with Bird’s plight, at one point dedicating a song to him.
Matthew Mitcham
The young man who claimed the 10 metre diving gold ahead of more fancied Asiatic opponents, Mitcham was lauded for performing “the perfect dive”. Mitcham can be credited with breaking down some societal prejudices in being an “out and proud” Olympian. Indeed, it was funny to overhear two rather large men in a Sydney gym discussing the dive. “Geez, what an awesome dive that was, bloody fantastic”. A few months later, one of those two men would be convicted for the murder of Caroline Byrne. Ahh, how far we’ve come, Australia. A few years ago he (Mitcham) would have been lynched.
Cadel Evans
Cadel Evans kept us all awake the year with his spirited riding in the Tour de France. Unfortunately it was too little too late for Cadel again, with the Territory-tough cyclist settling for the position favoured by such forgettable bridesmaids such as Greg Norman and "Buzz" Aldron (second comes right after first). Responsible for introducing the French word "pelaton" into the sporting vernacular, Evans receives a notable mention for his exploits in 2008.
Stuart MacGill
MacGill’s retirement signalled the death of Australian spin bowling as we know it - besides the emerging John Howard, of course. MacGill, a grey mare whose portly physique was solely conducive to leg-spin bowling, decided to concentrate on his true love: low budget Foxtel lifestyle programs. In picking up an award for his show, Stuart MacGill Uncorked, MacGill has demonstrated that there is life after cricket, as long as you are reasonably intelligent and have an interest outside the world of flinging dead cow for a living.
SportingMind
For unparalleled usage of the 3rd person perspective, SportingMind has indulged heavily in the art of cacophony this year. Self-obsessed, unrepentant and unflinchingly opinionated, SportingMind simply enjoys saying the word SportingMind repeatedly. SportingMind. SportingMind.
-SportingMind
SportingMind's class of 2008:
SBW: voted the number one controversy in 2008 by SportingMind readers..
Sonny Bill Williams
Possibly the story of the year. The troubled Bulldog broke his contract and fled to Toulon, sparking vitriol on NRL internet message boards across the country. SportingMind was fortunate enough to catch up with the fugitive footballer earlier this year, conducting an interview over a lovely degustation menu at upmarket restaurant Taillevent. SportingMind has sent SBW a gift of appreciation: a Sauternes botrytis dessert wine, direct from the Bordeaux region. I'm sure he will be suitably impressed.
Roy: "These banana jokes never get old"
What can I say. One of SportingMind's favourite subjects, a muscular rogue who - in typical bad-ass style - opted to go fishing instead of reporting to cricket training. A man who gets into more bar-room brawls than Chuck Norris, Symonds's crowning moment in 2008 involved that obnoxious little weed, Harbajan Singh. Banana-gate, as it has been dubbed, sparked a melt-down for Symonds, as he struggled to cope with the repercussions of being (allegedly) called a monkey. During 2008 he also attracted the highest bidding by an Indian Premier League, earning a cool 1.6 million dollars for a few games of hit and giggle. SportingMind hopes that Symonds checks his stocking this year, for the "Best of Bananarama" CD is coming his way. Let’s hope that 2009 brings some more of that “monkey-magic” from Australia’s favourite primate.
Stanley Gene
One of the greatest sporting cult figures, Stanley Gene hung up his boots this year after PNG were bundled out of the Rugby League World Cup. At the age of 79, Gene decided it was time to give the game away and concentrate on survival. Fair enough too, seeing that he had already outlived the life-expectancy of male Papuans by about 40 years. Nevertheless, Gene reminded us all that sport is not about whether you win or lose, but whether you make the viewer feel all warm and fuzzy. And this fuzzy wuzzy angel certainly did that.
"I'm a better offie than Costello..."
John Howard
After suffering the ignominy of losing his own seat of Bennelong to an ABC journalist, Howard turned his attention to mastering the art of off-spin bowling. In secret sessions at the SCG indoor cricket nets, Howard has reportedly developed a doosra that is undetectable to any batsman. With the help of ex-Australian off-spinner Gavin Robertson, Howard has changed his technique to be more front-on, incorporating a stronger follow-through, and, in the words of Howard himself, “getting more revs on the ball”.
Barry Hall
Big bad Barry just got badder by the minute in 2008. His crushing blow to Brent Staker prompted psychiatrists to try to understand just why he did it? As a matter of fact, Barry suffers from a complex rage disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). Through a program of extensive cognitive therapy, Barry should be all good for 2009, sans brain explosions.
It's all fun and games until someone discards their nutrients on you
Todd Carney
Todd Carney, the ex-Raiders five-eighth, shocked the sporting fraternity when he was discovered to have urinated on a patron in a Canberra night-club. The story made headlines world-wide, with Carney fending off a lucrative contract with porn website "goldenshowers.com" and an offer of a guest vocal appearance on R.Kelly's new album. For his kind aquiescence in 2008, SportingMind has express-posted Carney a gift certificate for a urinary incontinence check-up. Merry Xmas, Todd.
Greg Bird
Bird gets a Guernsey for (allegedly) glassing his girlfriend in the eye and then blaming it on his friend, proving that he is both a great catch AND a top mate. SportingMind sympathised with Bird’s plight, at one point dedicating a song to him.
Matthew Mitcham
The young man who claimed the 10 metre diving gold ahead of more fancied Asiatic opponents, Mitcham was lauded for performing “the perfect dive”. Mitcham can be credited with breaking down some societal prejudices in being an “out and proud” Olympian. Indeed, it was funny to overhear two rather large men in a Sydney gym discussing the dive. “Geez, what an awesome dive that was, bloody fantastic”. A few months later, one of those two men would be convicted for the murder of Caroline Byrne. Ahh, how far we’ve come, Australia. A few years ago he (Mitcham) would have been lynched.
Cadel Evans
Cadel Evans kept us all awake the year with his spirited riding in the Tour de France. Unfortunately it was too little too late for Cadel again, with the Territory-tough cyclist settling for the position favoured by such forgettable bridesmaids such as Greg Norman and "Buzz" Aldron (second comes right after first). Responsible for introducing the French word "pelaton" into the sporting vernacular, Evans receives a notable mention for his exploits in 2008.
Stuart MacGill
MacGill’s retirement signalled the death of Australian spin bowling as we know it - besides the emerging John Howard, of course. MacGill, a grey mare whose portly physique was solely conducive to leg-spin bowling, decided to concentrate on his true love: low budget Foxtel lifestyle programs. In picking up an award for his show, Stuart MacGill Uncorked, MacGill has demonstrated that there is life after cricket, as long as you are reasonably intelligent and have an interest outside the world of flinging dead cow for a living.
SportingMind finally releases an image of himself..
SportingMind
For unparalleled usage of the 3rd person perspective, SportingMind has indulged heavily in the art of cacophony this year. Self-obsessed, unrepentant and unflinchingly opinionated, SportingMind simply enjoys saying the word SportingMind repeatedly. SportingMind. SportingMind.
-SportingMind
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
It's just as well Jon and Orble team could fit you in under the salary cap.
It's been exciting reading your shameless self-regard manifested in a cloak of respectabilty.
It really has been exciting. And the best is yet to come.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
In an ironic twist, I am actually moving to Melbourne in January. I'm looking to incorporate a more Victorian slant on my orble posts next year.
Orble is well over the salary cap. There are too many people in the team who just aren't contributing. These people haven't even played a game for months.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
I have enough grievances to last a lifetime of sitting over a few pots.
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
I will also have avoid calling pots "schooners", which poses as the most difficult adjustment in this interstate move.
Comment by sportsbar
Fret X
A pot is too small to be a schooner and i always feel ripped of when in Vic...
VB taste better in a schooner, case closed
Comment by sportsbar
Fret X
The Wolfman (David Williams) - was an instant cult figure raising from Rugby League obscurity to Rookie of the year, and a World Cup hat-trick… (Would be cheap under the salary cap)
Insane Bolt – broke the unbreakable, the 200m World Record, but it was probably his performance in the 100m that earns him a spot in the team.
Beaver I'm a friggin Legend Menzies – should make it every year, but since it is his last and the manner in which he scored in the final will be forever etched in folkore
Octopus Phelps – Conspiracy theories may have cropped up but 8 Gold Medals? Nice.
Biceps Nadal – What a year, Trounced the best player in the world in the French Open Final and then finally climbed Mount Everest by beating the Fed Ex in his own Grass Backyard and took his No.1 Mantle to boot!
Something out of the Woods – would make it most years, so this year he makes it for beating the World’s best golf field on one leg… had to be seen to be believed.
Cliff still carves Lyons - still dominating touch football despite never getting past a very light jog. Would be well and trully a gimme on the salary cap, but wouldn't disappoint. I saw him put someone through a gap that looked like the head of a needle and opened into the Grand Canyon with the flick of his wrists... and for that alone he makes the team.
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
Damo, I certainly won't be asking Greg Bird to carry the drinks. I think it's best left to me. Cullen Bailey/Dan Cullen (as they are both spinners with the same name and, therefore, the same person essentially) will probably get a game at some stage. That would make it a 6-pronged spin attack: MacGill, Cullen, Cullen, Howard, Symonds, and SportingMind. I might have to bowl some "seam-up" stuff at some stage.
Comment by Captain Carnage