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An Unkindness of Footballers

May 24th 2009 10:46
The thousands of emails that flooded my inbox, almost beyond the point of recognition, made this post a necessity. And while this topic has piqued my interest considerably, I am aware of the ethical implications a partisan blog might have upon my readership. So it is solely for this reason that I have allowed the waves of discontent to quieten before offering my own take on the greatest rugby league off-field incident of the 21st Century. Now that the puritans, the fiends, the Germaine Greers and the Rebecca Wilsons of our world have all chomped heartily into the bit, it is time for SportingMind to offer a bit of clarity and poise to an issue that has escalated quicker than a Phuket bar mat prank.




Let us not forget the context. It was a chilly night in Christchurch. The Cronulla Sharks had just had a scratchy pre-season hit out against an under strength New Zealand Warriors outfit. Nevertheless, a win – nay, a road-trip win – calls for a few beverages. Matthew Johns was regaling a career’s worth of anecdotes to locals while his less articulate team-mates stood next to him, smirking, hoping to catch some of the leftover adoration and translate that into naughty late-night shenanigans.

Sure, this scene is no different to what happens on your average white collar stop-over in Singapore. For many years Australian businessmen, drunk on in-flight Johnnie Walker and their own sense of entitlement, have enjoyed the benefits of anonymity in a foreign town. Investment bankers homo-erotically high-fiving each other mid act, Maverick and Goose-style, as they defile someone’s (usually a pillar of the Singaporese community) daughter.


But demonisation has begun. No longer is there a positive public perception of the Rugby League Player. He is no longer an adorably grizzled veteran with a wife and three kids, who drives a Holden and battles a reasonably serious drinking problem. He, the modern League Player, is a highly sexed and hairless fiend, who drives a Mercedes with vanity plates and dresses exclusively in tight t-shirts with Spanish phrases on the front. He will, invariably, have a diamond earring in place and an 11 O’clock curfew, which he intends to break. The overwhelming synthesis of duty-free cologne and pheromones is something the best cougars can detect from 50 yards.

The argument made by many is this: Women throw themselves at footballers, so what’s the big deal? If these women are to make their bed, shouldn’t they lie in it? Well, no. Not unless they are previously aware that their bed will be surrounded by the most voracious, depraved and insecure footballers. Footballers who are convinced their latent homosexuality is masked by their totally hetero 12:1 gang-bang ratio. Then they can lie in it - in any position they like.

Footballers feel the need to conform. To stand out from the pack makes one a target for criticism; individuality is frowned upon. Indeed, as Socrates once said, “there is no ‘I’ in team”. And when the desire to conform is stronger than the desire to abide by common law, then we have a problem.

Why can’t footballers engage in typical team-building exercises? Like those at a typical workplace: mundane and sexless “icebreakers” devised and sanctioned by lame HR executives with no sense of irony. No, they must march out into the local village and not return until they have cornered a “willing participant”, subjected her to libidinal extremes and returned to the team hotel to be ready the next morning for a pool session. This is what binds mateship.

SportingMind is an unabashed Matthew Johns fan. SportingMind also believes the game of league has suffered enough over the past 15 years to last a lifetime. Let it not be destroyed by a poorly organised gang-bang.


-SportingMind
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The time was the early 90s. Keating was still Treasurer and Bob Hawke was smashing schooners like they were soon to be unfashionable. Yeltsin was asserting his authority in a newly democratised Russia, with revolution having swept the Iron Curtain.

The internet was in its absolute infancy. Youth culture was evolving, with tattoos, piercing and heroin going hand-in-hand with the grunge aesthetic. Gangstas began to rap, which resulted in gangsta rap


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The North Melbourne AFL club has been the focus of intense media attention over the past two days, all because of a certain video that has made its way on YouTube. The video has been criticised for its negative depiction of women.


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SportingMind's Pet Hates and Loves

March 29th 2009 12:14
Acutely aware that the "list" post is the blogospheric equivalent to that of a TV Christmas-special episode, I'll avoid the sugar coating and come clean with it: I'm doing this to keep the fans happy. You wanted it, I'm giving it to you. My spleen, proverbially vented for your benefit, on a platter.

Things I hate:
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The "Untouchables"

March 11th 2009 23:44
Melbourne, the self-proclaimed sporting capital of the world, has a lot to answer for. You would never think, looking from the outside, that Melbourne is so socially stratified. Instead you would assume that, like all other Australian cities, Melbourne is an egalitarian paradise where all people are offered the same basic human rights and respect.

Enter the footballer. A relatively new phenomenon - circa the late 19th century - the footballer has taken over society as its most worshiped and revered member. The footballer is a different kind of "Untouchable". Not Untouchable in the way that Arundhati Roy described India's society - an abhorrent caste system based on inherent social perceptions - but Untouchable in the sense that they enjoy a symbiotic relationship with the public


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The N.R.L. simply cannot take a trick. Moments after unveiling an indulgent new ad campaign, the sport once again found itself embroiled in controversy. As such, it was only a matter of time before rugby league's greatest puritan, Phil Gould, stood-up and offered us a heavy serving of his rarely requested opinion. Chief rugby league reporter, SportingMind, caught up with Phil Gould last night for a three course dinner and in-depth discussion on the future of rugby league.


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Cricket is no longer safe from the threat of politics and violence, as a shooting attack on Sri Lanka's cricket team yesterday signalled the end of a 400-year peace agreement between criminal masterminds and cricketers.

This aggressive assault by unidentified masked attackers has relegated cricket alongside a list of other sports of which have fallen victim to terrorism


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Sport: Offering Hope in Times of Need

February 20th 2009 00:22
Over the past two weeks we have been, unfortunately, witnesses to the greatest natural disaster in this country's history. Images of fire-ravaged communities have been plastered across our screens, interspersed with quotes by grieving families and solemn celebrities. Obviously, you know things are serious when Larry Emdur halts his usual "who, me?" posturing on Channel Seven's "Morning Show" in favour of a permanent hang-dog expression.

There have been moments of levity; indeed, sport can provide an outlet during a crisis. SportingMind can recall several moments in history when sport offered a beacon of light - indeed, hope - to a futile situation


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Enduring Brain Explosions in Sport

February 10th 2009 07:14
The one enduring memory of last year's AFL season is, without doubt, the fabulous left hook performed by Barry Hall upon Brent Staker. Unfortunately, Hall's crushing blow forced Staker from the field and earned the Swans forward a lengthy suspension. For some, the act was deemed abhorrent; whereas for others, including SportingMind, it was a feast for the senses. A split-second felony that one could not help but admire; one could almost, dare I say it, be aroused by such a flawless act. The footage belongs not in the forgotten archives of misdemeanours in football, but perhaps in the Museum of Contemporary Art, down by Sydney's Circular Quay.

Alas, such moments in sport happen rarely these days; our sports stars are becoming embarassingly white-bread. I do not refer to those well publicised off-field antics, for such events are plentiful. But it is the players, and often fans, who are willing to do implausibly stupid things on the field - these are the ones we must pay homage to


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The Australian Open Final and Cricket's

February 4th 2009 02:43
If SportingMind had a dime for every time he wanted to walk away from the field of sports journalism, then suffice to say that he would be a rather wealthy individual. Even after converting these dimes into "greenbacks" and exchanging them for the weaker Australian dollar, I would still be confident in having enough money to support my weekly lust for soft cheeses. For sport can often be seen as a microcosm of society; albeit a society with a tremendous ratio of physical and sexual assaults per capita - similar in many ways to Queensland's Gold Coast. To appropriate a song by The Smiths: some sports are bigger than others. Cricket, AFL and Rugby League dominate our newspapers like an abusive husband, to the point where we, the consumer/wife, can feel saturated and violated. Sometimes sport can be predictable and bland; other times it may be spontaneous and magnetic. The latter, of course, is an apt description of the Men's Australian Open Final.

They say there are two certainties in life: death and taxes. SportingMind believes that this old adage no longer applies and should be replaced. Hell, Diego Maradona has shown that it is possible to cheat the both of them. But after a turbulent week in sport, SportingMind is confident that one cliche is here to stay - and that cliche is Rafael Nadal.
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