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Todd Carney - Urination 101

July 23rd 2008 03:41
Yet another off-field incident has marred the NRL's already severely blemished reputation, with Todd Carney and Bronx Goodwin stood down indefinitely by the Canberra Raiders for their involvement in alcohol related incidents on Sunday night.

Whilst Goodwin faces the possibility of a terminated contract for his alleged brawl with two other patrons, Carney is said to only earn a strong reprimand for his action; that being the decision to urinate on a fellow nightclub patron.

As a Raiders fan, i am relieved that Canberra have decided to not tear up Carney's contract immediately. He is a brilliant player and will serve as the lynch-pin for the side for many years to come, having recently signed a long-term contract. But the question of what he has done clearly must be discussed in this blog, as a well-known public figure cannot expect to get away with such actions without copping a vitriolic response, firstly from the media and secondly from the so called "blogosphere".


As as a member of the "blogosphere", will attempt to analyse Carney's actions, not only on a superficial level, but also from a psychological perspective. It is indeed important to get to the heart of the matter, why he did it. As we have seen with Barry Hall in recent weeks, the reason that Barry strikes out at opponents is not due to his aggressive on-field game, but relationship issues - particularly his recent lucking out in the game of love.

So what can we deduce from Carney? Unless he was merely offering his urine sample to a NRL drug-tester (who happened to be in the nightclub) and accidentally drenched the volunteer, one can presume that this was a deliberate action against a patron of a nightclub. But why did he do it? Following in the same vein of the Hall saga, perhaps it is reasonable to suggest that he is indeed having similar relationship issues. Perhaps his girlfirend keeps a very tight toilet protocol back home, and he simply wanted to urinate everywhere and not worry about having to put the seat back down and tidy up his mess? Perhaps, still on the girlfriend front, Carney has some unfulfilled sexual fantasties that his girlfriend won't give approval for. The "Golden shower" that Carney laid on this patron could have in fact been a sexual release, an expression of his repressed desires that are going unfulfilled at home? The Freudian analysis may involving tracing the issue back to childhood, or focusing on an occuring dream which may contain water symbolism - perhaps Carney dreams of flowing rivers whilst asleep at night, ergo his inability to use the appropriate toilet facility whilst out and about?


A more appropriate explanation would be that Carney is simply yet another of those NRL players who cannot hold their alcohol, who instead make weird, bosterious decisions when drunk. Everyone has one or two of these friends - ones who have a chemical reaction in the brain when drinking alcohol. An example might be the friend who decides its a good idea to go to Burger King and throw burgers at restaurant patrons, a friend who enjoys ripping the number plates off cars and generally vandalising public/private properties. However it is evident that within Australian sport there is a urination epidemic, one which is rapidly spreading across codes and is primed to consume Australian sport in its entirety. Firstly it was Brendan Fevola, Willie Mason has also been reprimanded for public urination. Todd Carney has now followed suit, indicating clearly that this is not a freakish example of a man that can't control his grog, but a widespread cultural deficit in Australian sportsmen.

The recent AFL questionaire was shown to have been effective in tackling the hard soical issues in the sport, such as [I]"If a woman has had too much to drink, do you.....?" While some players ticked the box pertaining to option d) (Taker her home for sex), the majority ticked the correct box; which was something like a) Call her a cab to take her home. Perhaps both codes should adopt and amend the questionaire? Feel free to answer the question yourselves at home. Here is the proposed question:

When you are out at a nightclub and need to go to the toilet; do you:
a) Go to the toilet
b) Hold on til you get home
c) Urinate in your trousers
d) Urinate on the nearest person

If you ticked box d), you may have a future in Australian sport. God speed to all of you.

-SportingMind












































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Greg "Shark" Norman vs Mr "Big"

July 22nd 2008 03:19
First of all i must apologise to my legions of readers, who in their thousands have been emailing me, wondering why on earth there have been so few blogs in recent times? SportingMind takes full responsibility for his actions, and promises to uphold the good name of orble.com in the future. Much like a disgraced footballer, i have no one to blame but myself - thus i promise to change my ways for the better.

Whilst the nation held their collective breath as Greg Norman went into the final round at the British Open in the lead by 2 shots; I instead exhaled heartily, confident in the fact that a sleepless night of watching the "Shark" fumble his way around a golf course that he had dominated the previous 3 days was as sure a bet as a punt on Israel Folau as first try-scorer. Yet many Australians braved the late night to get exactly what they deserved, a mascohistic lesson; that being that the Shark is going to hurt you, no matter how many times you support him to the death


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Mark Gasnier and "Tazo-gate"

July 17th 2008 02:09
Tazo's. You know what they are. When i was at school they were known as "Pog", an innocent symbol of youth. A form of social currency, to be traded amongst school friends as freely as trade flows within the borders of the European Union. Schoolyard squabbles over perceived value of such tazos were mediated by child 'experts' who understood the market value of certain cards, and were prepared to bargain in order to attain the best and most enviable pog/card there was. In my day, an NBA Dennis Rodman Rookie card would sell on the street for at least $100, so i was told. A Mark Gasnier card today would be worth a pittance - with market analysts urging those with said card to sell immediately, before the market dwindles any further.

The thriving, rapidly expanding Tazo industry threatens to undermine the NRL, and thankfully Mark Gasnier has alerted the Rugby League authorities of the dire need to act now before the player exodus increases even further. One way the NRL could act would be to give each player a royalty on each card that is sold by the Daily Telegraph, so that they don't just get a measly lump sum of $1000, a tremendously low sum for players consenting to have their image plastered on a NRL card for children. Much like Radio Stations pay royalty fees to APRA, who in turn pay a small fee to a band whose song is getting air-time; each time a child trades a card/tazo in the schoolyard, a yearly fee that is paid by the child to the NRL is then forwarded upon trading directly into the pocket of whichever player the tazo is themed upon. Therefore the players get their money, the children get their tazos (albeit at a slightly higher price), and players will stay in the NRL


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Exceptionnel!! Sunday's 9th stage led the weary riders through the mountainous French Pyrenees, with Cadel Evans recovering from an early tumble to finish in a solid postion moving into today's 10th stage. Evans hit the turf so hard that his helmet cracked, leaving the roving doctor to rather skillfully administer antiseptic to his battered leg whilst driving alongside Evans in a vehicle. Merde!!

SportingMind enjoys the Tour de France purely for the chance to learn a few French words whilst admiring the French countryside. Words such as peloton, contre la montre, le maillot a pois, etc. Using these in conversation allow me to combine learning with viewing sport, a combination not seen since i learned all about criminal law from Australian footballers - be it sex offences or drug possession charges


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Since the State of Origin series came to its dramatic close, SportingMind has been hard pressed finding any news on the NRL, or indeed any footballing code, that doesn't involve some kind of ridiculous controversy. Whether it is verbal abuse ('Blocker' Roach), Racial abuse (directed at Petero Civoniceva by a guy with the hilarious name of Sper Vega - or am i being racist here?..), physical abuse (Barry Hall), or sexual abuse (insert any given first grade/reserve grade NRL player). With a list as long and limitless as Nate Myles's forehead, it is no wonder we are beginning to forget what is actually happening on the field, instead captivated by the relentless barrage of media statements from accused footballers.

The NRL season is becoming drab, ho-hum if you will, as we crawl ever so slowly towards the month of September; that Spring month where the flowers begin to bloom, birds churpily re-annnounce themselves in the mornings, and we finally crown some NRL team as the winner of the (insert most recent NRL sponsor) Cup. Surely we can just give the trophy to Melbourne and skip off with a 2 month early mark? Another reason for my wanton desire to eliminate the next 2 months of football is so i can avoid hearing about the month of September. September is coming, the fabulous month of September! Players begin their obligatory quotes; "We just want to make sure we are going to be there in September". "Nothing matters before September". We get it. September is when the grand-final is. But please don't use September as an event, lingusitically speaking. It is a month of the year. Be more specific. "We really want to be there on the 28th of September for the Grand Final", i would much prefer


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Another Week in Sport..

July 7th 2008 02:26
Another thrilling and controversial week in sport has just elapsed, with some dynamic performances in all sporting codes. So let's have a brief, superficial glance at what made headlines this weekend.

Firstly; the Swans vs Collingwod game. Never will i watch another Swans v Collingwood encounter at ANZ Stadium, as an underwhelming Swans team yet again fell victim to the "Collywobbles". Lacking any spark out of midfield, and struggling to close down on the small, yet elusive Collingwood forward line, it was the Swans forward line that deserved the most criticism, completely unable to make the most of goal opportunities


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Blocker Roach's Origin Outburst

July 4th 2008 01:54
MATURE CONTENT
   


The Manly Sea Eagles have found themselves on the defensive after it was revealed that the club has had a long history of using calf blood extract for the purposes of aiding injured players to recover more quickly. Calves blood extract, known as "Actovegin", is not listed as a banned product by the World Anti-Doping Agency, but questions have been raised about the moral and ethical practice of injecting the substance to gain an advantage.

SportingMind can't help but wonder if the players themselves have the option of refusing this treatment or if these questionable methods are imposed upon them without consent. It seems that footballers have access to the latest and most innovative advances in medical science, leaving the 'average Joe' to content themselves with a pack of over-the-counter Nurofen, or perhaps a tube of Denco-rub at best


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It was disappointing to see the Canberra Raiders unable to continue a recent winning streak tonight, instead crumbling in the hands of a Brett Kimmorley led Sharks outfit that are looking very promising for the finals series later this year.

As an unabashed Raiders fan, it was yet another lesson in getting your hopes up. It reminded me why, several years ago, i stopped going to watch the Raiders play - fearful that they would only let me down. Brett Kimmorley carved up the Raiders defence in what was a high scoring encounter, but a significant win for the Sharks away from home, and without Bird and Gallen


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Firstly SportingMind must confess to not watching one IOTA of sport this weekend, which certainly does not bode well for the remainder of this blog. So consumed i have been with the political turmoil that we, as Sydneysiders, have found ourselves embedded in, along with such sad stories circulating in the media this week - including the passing of Jane MacGrath, that for SportingMind - sport has taken a backseat to the realities of existence.

Crusing the SMH website, with sport very far down the scroll bar on this particular webpage, i was instead confronted with a barrage of nonsensical "headlines". For example, the leading headline for 11 a.m., Monday morning, is; "Kidman to listen to Hubby's songs whilst giving birth". While there is no doubting that the silky haired "Urbahn" (sic), who seamlessly altered his Germanic last name to the more commercially friendly Urban some years ago, does have his place in the U.S. Country music market, one can't help but wonder whether he is aiming to exploit yet another music niche - that being "Birth Music", music to give birth to. Just like Enya was once music to meditate to, perhaps maternity wards across the globe will begin to track-list Keith Urban as a way of inducing heavily dilating women, thus relieving cervixes across the globe. In fact its a shame that gravel voiced Barry White died a few years ago, because SportingMind would have proposed a joint tour - Barry White and Keith Urban touring together. Music to concieve to (White), and music to give birth to (Urban). Not sure who would fill the second act on the bill, but i'll go with Russell Crowe - in attempting an unconvincing segue back to sport in general. Although i am aware that his 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts band could unintentionally cause a miscarriage though its improper use of melody


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